Topics of the day:
1. Some more airline acronyms (offensive) (fwd)
2. Possibly offensive to Brits and/or Jews
3. More funeral humor <damn offensive, revolting, and funny>
4. Midget <off. to mental midgets>
5. Insensitive and vulgar
6. Rednecks<Off to West Virginians>
7. In The News - PG13, political, off to baseball players, lawyers, OJ
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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 11:56:45 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: Some more airline acronyms (offensive) (fwd)
P_KAUSHIK@Tandem.COM wrote:
> TWA - Try Walking Across
> QANTAS - Queer And Nasty - Try Another Service
> LUFTHANSA - Let us f*** the hostess and not say anything
>
> -- Kaushik
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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 08:55:00 PST
From: "Glickman, Steve" <GlickmanS@DBISNA.COM>
Subject: Possibly offensive to Brits and/or Jews
I got this from a friend this past weekend:
Q: What's the difference between the British and the Yiddish?
A: The British leave without saying good-bye and the Yiddish say good-bye
without leaving!
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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 13:09:56 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: More funeral humor <damn offensive, revolting, and funny>
A woman receives a call from the mortician that they can't get the
coffin lid on her husband closed because he has such a massive erection.
She says, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass."
A scandalazied undertaker says, "Madame!"
And she says, "Who's paying for this?"
So, the undertaker chops off the guy's pecker and shoves it up his ass.
Later that evening (it was a dark and stormy night) she goes to the wake.
He's laid out in this old funeral home that has a leaky roof; there's
water dripping on his forehead and down past his eyes -- it looks like
he's crying. She goes up to the coffin, has a look at him, and says,
"Hurts, doesn't it?"
****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson We're always looking for a few good undertaker jokes.
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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 14:17:25 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Midget <off. to mental midgets>
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who just broke out of jail? A
small medium at large! Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 17:55:11 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Insensitive and vulgar
True story: A local cop is on trial now, accused of having murdered
the wife of his son and also his son, last autumn. He says he didn't do
it. The District Attorney says he did. The testimony now shows that he
screwed the girl, got her pregnant, and was keeping her up only to make
sure that his little son was well taken care of. He was keeping a second
girl friend on the string and was trying to keep things going with her (#2)
while the young mother was hounding him to marry her (#1). On the stand, he
admitted that carrying on with two women at the same time was a mistake.
The paper quoted him as saying, "I just wanted to keep the peace."
I THINK he said, "I just wanted to keep the piece."
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Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 19:02:22 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rednecks<Off to West Virginians>
YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A REDNECK IF....
Your front porch collapses and it kills more than six dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
Less than half of the cars you own run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.
You've ever barbecued Spam on a grill.
The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
The diploma hanging in your den includes the words, "Trucking Institute".
Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school
sporting event.
The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is, "What the
hell are you looking at, shithead?".
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an
opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You prominently display a souvenir from Graceland.
You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.
Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
=================================================
Chip ;)
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Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 01:57:25 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - PG13, political, off to baseball players, lawyers, OJ
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes Late Night and SNL Humor
Dan Quayle's decision not to run for President in '96 has a lot of
people thinking that they may have underestimated his intelligence.
Since the announcement, comedy club flags have been flying at
half-staff.
Baseball owners and members of Congress should be able to work this
strike out. They seem to have a lot in common. Wealthy men who can't
control their spending without a law to tell them when to stop.
If President Clinton really wanted to end the strike, he should use the
IRS...settle now or it's audits for everyone!
Asked what OJ Simpson did this weekend during the eight minute tour of
his house with the jury, Johnnie Cochran replied, "He took a nap, did a
little putting and rubbed some arthritis medicine on his weak arms and
hands..." I really don't think the tour is going to help matters much.
On the way there, he told the bus driver, "Look, I know this great
shortcut..."
Johnnie Cochran responded to allegations that he abused his first wife.
"At least I didn't kill her like SOME people I know."
Cuban leader Fidel Castro has enacted tougher laws against repeat
offenders. It's called "Three strikes and you're in Miami."
The Saab 9000 is reported to have wiring problems. Power windows and
locks freeze up, and the car fills up with smoke. They suggest turning
up the stereo and pretending you're at a Pink Floyd concert.
A Houstin judge was reprimanded for drinking the evidence in a drunk
driving case. Police found him in an interrogation room shouting,
"Another round of exhibit A on me."
Buh bye!
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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Feb 1995 to 15 Feb 1995
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