Topics of the day:
1. If Unhappy <Adult Language>
2. Stress Management <off. to frogs>
3. <HUMOR> Russia's aids law
4. pub joke
5. Offensive to blacks, Puerto ricans.
6. One-liners, part 1
7. Bits & Pieces
8. Make a Wish <suggestive>
9. FUNNY STUFF
10. The Hebrew Geek Code
11. Never happens on Star Trek
12. Stocks and morality
13. Humorous practical jokes (Part 4 of 6)
14. THE DOG SHOW <Punny>
15. Sick to almost everyone <sexually disgusting>
16. Goosed? <adult themes>
17. Urgent
18. lawyer joke <off. to lawyers>
19. Elephant & Mouse (language)
20. THE GASTRONOMICAL BEAN STORY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 00:11:34 -0400
From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: If Unhappy <Adult Language>
IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY
ONCE UPON A TIME. THERE WAS A
NONCONFORMING SPARROW WHO DECIDED NOT TO
FLY SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.
HOWEVER, SOON THE WEATHER TURNED SO
COLD THAT HE RELUCTANTLY STARTED TO FLY
SOUTH. IN A SHORT TIME ICE BEGAN TO FORM ON
HIS WINGS AND HE FELL TO THE EARTH IN A
BARNYARD. ALMOST FROZEN, A COW PASSED BY
AND CRAPPED ON THE LITTLE SPARROW. THE
SPARROW THOUGHT IT WAS THE END, BUT, THE
MANURE WARMED HIM AND DEFROSTED HIS WINGS.
WARM, HAPPY AND ABLE TO BREATHE, HE STARTED
TO SING. JUST THEN A LARGE CAT CAME BY AND
HEARING THE CHIRPING, INVESTIGATED THE SOUNDS.
THE CAT CLEARED AWAY THE MANURE, FOUND
THE CHIRPING BIRD, AND PROMPTLY ATE HIM.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
1. EVERYONE WHO SHITS ON YOU IS NOT NECESSARILY YOUR ENEMY.
2. EVERYONE WHO GETS YOU OUT OF SHIT IS NOT NECESSARILY YOUR FRIEND.
3. AND, IF YOU'RE WARM AND HAPPY IN A PILE OF SHIT, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 00:31:35 -0400
From: WASpence@AOL.COM
Subject: Stress Management <off. to frogs>
----------------------
yet another piece of classic comedy sent via fax from unknown source to
unknown source...then from xerox to xerox...
----------------------
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the plegm
back down your throat.
6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7. Make a list of things you have already done.
8. Dance naked in front of pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to
pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
10. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
12. Drive to work in reverse.
13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
15. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
16. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and
ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
LAWaites
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 16:35:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Russia's aids law
Taken from the Times Higher Ed
"The Post-soviet Press Group of London University's School of Slavonic and East
European Studies has answered the perplexing question of why diplomats are
exempt from HIV-tests under Russia's new laws. Why, asked chairman Bob
Service, do Russians think that diplomats do not catch Aids? Because, replied
Ali Granmeyeh, they have diplomatic immunity.
Mike R @:->
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 04:23:16 -0500
From: Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM>
Subject: pub joke
A guy walks into a pub, walks up the side of a wall,
across the ceiling, and down the other side.
He then goes up to the barman and asks for a pint of lager,
pays for it, drinks it down, walks up the wall,
across the ceiling, back down the other wall and out the door.
A little guy in the corner has been watching all of this,
and totally mesmorised by the whole thing, he says to the barman,
"Did... did you see that?!!!"
The barman replies, "Yeah, I know! He usually orders bitter!"
Take care, Karen.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 08:05:27 -0500
From: Steve Chastain <chastain@NUTRA.MONSANTO.COM>
Subject: Offensive to blacks, Puerto ricans.
Three people find a genie; a black, a puerto rican, and a white guy each
get one wish.
The black asks, "I want all my people to go back to Africa and live in
peace under their own rule, without the white people to oppress us.
The Puerto rican asks, "I want all of my people to go back to puerto rico
and live in peace with prosperity, without the gringos to oppress us."
The white guy says, "Well, if all of the blacks and puerto ricans are
leaving, heck... I'll just have a Bud Light."
- Congressman Ben Dover (D)
Former Chairman of the Tax and Waste Committee
P.S. One day I decided to give up drugs, alcohol, and sex for clean living.
It was the scariest fifteen minutes of my life.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 08:35:02 CST
From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: One-liners, part 1
ONE LINERS:
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 09:37:35 EDT
From: "Heather D. Rielly" <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Bits & Pieces
From Bits & Pieces for April 27, 1995:
"Every speaker has a mouth;
An arrangement rather neat.
Sometimes it's filled with wisdom.
Sometimes it's filled with feet."
-Robert Orben, American Humorist and Speechwriter
"Character is what a person is in the dark."
An interviewer asked Victor Borge if he played any other musical instruments.
"Well, yes, " replied Borge, "I have another piano."
"A loafer is a person who is trying to make both weekends meet."
"One rich man said he would divide his fortune among his friends, if only he
knew who they were.
Years passed and the man died- in a mid-winter blizzard. His last request
was that his funeral be held at 4 o'clock in teh morning.
Although scores had boasted of being his intimate friend, only three men
and one woman turned out to stand sadly beside his grave.
When the will was read, it directed that his estate be divided
equally among those who attended his funeral."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 06:52:21 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: Make a Wish <suggestive>
A man walks into a bar and notices that there is
a tiny man, less than a foot tall, playing the piano.
He also notices that there is a large genie lamp
in the middle of the bar and asks the bartender
about it.
The bartender says that, yes, it is a genie lamp
but the genie is getting old and hard of hearing
and only grants one wish, instead of three, but
customers are free to rub the lamp and make a wish.
The guy goes over and rubs the lamp and sure enough,
an old genie with a long gray beard appears and asks
him to make a wish.
The customer says he wants a million bucks. The genie
says, "Your wish is granted," and goes back into the
lamp.
A few seconds later, the floor is covered with ducks,
more than he had ever seen before - about a million
of them, waddling and quacking about.
"I guess he really is hard of hearing," he says to the
bartender.
The bartender replies, "I'll say. Do you really think
I wanted a 10" pianist?"
-- turf
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 09:52:55 EST
From: Public Relations <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: FUNNY STUFF
===== Document Routing Slip =============================================
Author: NO AUTHOR
Distribution: NO DISTRIBUTION
Reference: 95044POS 0031
The following is a document (or a file) extracted from a PROFS data base.
This file was originally of type SCRIPT.
It is probably a SCRIPT source file.
=========================================================================
:OFSMEMO
.* converted to 3825
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FUNNY STUFF
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This supposedly is an essay written by a college applicant when applying to
colleges/universities. It made me laugh right out loud! <Non-Offensive>
3A. ESSAY - IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY
SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED,
THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20
minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I
play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
#9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children
trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still
had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several
covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep
in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary 4-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
:E@TEXT
.sv off
:@DISPL "END OF FREE FORMAT"
.ef
.CM 08:23:07 93/03/22
.CM 09:25:28 95/02/13
.CM 09:32:29 95/02/13
.CM 09:45:06 95/02/14
.CM 09:41:52 95/04/21
.CM 09:49:34 95/04/21
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 10:55:42 -0400
From: "Amy L. Ward" <othello@IAC.NET>
Subject: The Hebrew Geek Code
> The Hebrew Geek Code - Version 1.0 by Robert Kaiser
>
> E-mail me any additions that you think would be good. They
> might end up in version 2.0. kaiser@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu
>
>
> Amaze your friends and family. Communicate volumes of information
> about yourself with just a few letters. Give information to those
> in the know, without anyone else being able to understand! All
> this and more is possible when you use this list to create your own
> Hebrew Geek Code (HGC), which you then put in your .sig file.
>
> Have fun. Permission is granted to spread this everywhere, as
> long as credit is given.
>
> example Hebrew Geek code:
> S+++ K++ TM M H+ T t SY+= & SY+++ M AT++ Te+/Te++ SC
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
> Qualifiers: A&B Means A and B
> A/B Means ranging from A to B
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> Shabbat Observance S- Not at all
> S Reform
> S+ Conservative, will drive to shul
> S++ Traditional, Orthodox
> S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat
> S-- I stone people walking to shul on Shabbat
>
>
> Kashrut K- I only eat at McDonald's, except their
> sodas.
> K? What's kashrut
> K Reform, wil eat ham and cheese, but
> will say a bracha afterwards
> K+ Conservative. Will eat gelatin and OU
> milk and kosher meat.
> K++ Traditional/Orthodox. Only Chalav Yisroel
> milk, no gelatin, only GLATT meat.
> K+++ Satmar or Meshugge kosher.
>
>
>
> Tohorot Mishpacha TM-- I married a non-Jew, so this doesn't
> (Family Purity) apply
> TM- I'm a pagan
> TM I'm mostly following the rules
> TM+ Orthodox
> TM++ My wife and I have separate houses
>
>
> Moshiach M-- He's already come. Haven't you heard the
> Good Word?
> M- Don't believe in it.
> M Could be
> M+ I believe with perfect faith...
> M++ We want Moshiach now!
> M+++ Watching the Rebbe's grave.
> M++++ I am Moshiach
>
>
> Hebrew Language H- Is 'Jewish' a language?
> H I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
> H+ I even took it in college.
> H++ I'm not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
> H+++ Ani midaberet Ivrit tov Me'od, nu?
>
>
> Talmud Knowledge T-- I'm a Karaite
> T- Is that like Torah?
> T Studied in Hebrew school
> T+ Studied in college, competant to argue.
> T++ Talmud Chochem
> T+++ Adin Steinsaltz's chevruta.
>
>
> Tribe: t Israel
> t+ Levi
> t++ Cohen
> t+++ Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol
> t? Not sure
>
>
> What type of SY-- Jesus loves me, yes he does...
> synagogue do SY- Allah'hu Akbar!
> I go to? -SY I don't go to shul
> SY0 Reconstructionist
> SY Reform
> SY+ Conservative (whatever that means)
> SY+= Conservative egalitarian
> SY++ UTJ/Traditional/Right wing Conservative
> SY+++ Orthodox
> SY+++M Modern Orthodox
> SY+++Y Yeshiva Litvak Right wing
> SY+++C Chassidic
>
>
> How often do I AT-- Religion is for dweebs!
> Attend shul? AT- Only for other people's weddings.
> AT Regularly! Every Rosh Hashanah and Yom
> Kippur, and I also had a Bar Mitzvah!
> AT+ High holdays, Shalosh Regalim (Three
> festivals), and occasional shabbats.
> AT++ I go on Shabbat.
> AT+++ And I lay Tefillin on weekdays
> AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a
> restraining order to keep me away!
>
>
> Tefillin Te- What's that? Is it good to eat?
> Te I don't wear animal products, dude.
> Te+ Sure, sometimes, at least once a month.
> Te++ Almost every day. I'm a mensch! :)
> Te+++ The doctors say if I don't taken them off
> soon, they'll have to amputate.
>
>
>
> Shabbat Candles SC- I don't use matches. Only you can
> prevent forest fires.
> SC Been there, done that.
> SC+ Every Shabbat.
> SC++ I have been arrested for arson.
> SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 06:39:14 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Never happens on Star Trek
=FF SUBJECT:There's Klingons on the starboard bow...=20
Things that never happen on Star Trek:
The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered
several times before.
The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are
all perfectly all right.
Some of the crew visit the Holodeck, and it works properly.
The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known lifeform wearing a funny hat.
The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a plague, but the doctor
immediately recognizes it and easily develops a cure from the supplies
in the well-stocked Enterprise sick bay.
The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without serious incident.
The Enterprise answers a distress signal which turns out to be a
false alarm.
A problem with the warp engines is rapidly diagnosed and corrected by
the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everbody's satisfaction.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-travel experience which
is in no way connected with the 20th century.
One of the senior staff falls in love with somebody on a planet they
visit, and they aren't tragically separated at the end of the episode.
While agonizing over a difficult decision, somebody offers a
suggestion based on a vague feeling they have, but that's dismissed and
they solve the problem using simple common sense and their extensive
training.
The life-support system fails, but everybody is saved by emergency
air masks that drop out of the ceiling.
Originally from David Okonski <david.okonski@f518.n104.z1.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 11:47:45 -0400
From: Bo Peng <bo@SAAVIK.CEM.MSU.EDU>
Subject: Stocks and morality
The stock price of General Mills dropped more than a point in the day of
Oklahoma bombing, an unusually large movement for this particular stock. The
only news I could find about the company?
"General Mills Rushes $50,000 Emergency Aid to Oklahoma City"
Bo
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 09:30:00 LCL
From: U01PA3E <U01PA3E.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Humorous practical jokes (Part 4 of 6)
Form: Memo
Use OEM Field: true
Text: (95 lines follow)
Subject: Humorous practical jokes (Part 4 of 6)
------------------------------------------------------------
31. Take some ordinary speaker wire and put some alligator clips on each
end. If you don't know enough about cars you may need some help with
this, but then crawl under someone's car and wire the brakelights to the
horn. Every time he/she steps on the brakes, they'll look around and say,
"Who is that honking?" He kept getting these angry looks, and finally we
cracked up and spoiled the joke.
32. This from an ingenious guy at Stanford. He lived across from a
triple room of girls. He carded into their room and secreted a number of
small, wireless speakers in a variety of hiding places around their room.
When they returned, he was across the hall in his room with a microphone.
The girls were mightily perturbed when a strange voice began addressing
them from thin air. Mighty clever with concealing those mikes too...he
had to hear them! The girls never discovered them, and I think he
"bugged" them for the better part of two quarters.
33. Pour flour into someone's blowdryer...not too much, just about one
tablespoon full. They get out of the shower, with hair all wet
and...POOF...they become Beetlejuice.
34. From Ohio State...some dweeb left for a couple of weeks during term.
He liked to get up at some obscene hour and did not turn his alarm off
before leaving. Everyday, it howled for an hour before reseting itself
for the next day. Finally, the neighbors carded into the room and shut
the damn thing off. The next night a whole group of them sat down with a
box of paper and ripped and shredded for about two hours. They then
proceeded to stuff everything with the paper. Every sock, drawer, pocket,
cup, the bed, cassette boxes(not all of them...just enough to make him
worry), between pages of books, the egg tray...you get the idea. When the
dweeb came back, he sits on the bed and hears "CRUNCH". He then laid
back, forgetting to check the pillow. "CRUNCH". Getting paranoid, he
checked the fridge..."WHOOSH!" Everyone is home for the summer now. They
like to think he is still finding pieces of paper everywhere.
35. As far as showers go, how about sneaking into the water room and
shutting off the water when everyone is all soaped up? Or just the hot
water part?
36. For a minor inconvenience, try smearing vaseline on the windshield
wipers. Next time it rains, wah-la! Instant smearstorm! If your friend
has double wipers, the more the merrier. You can use up a whole can of
vaseline on just one wiper. Wow! And to think it will last for months!
37. Take a vacuum and un-screw the ON/OFF switch and remove the wire that
makes the switch work. Tie a knot in the cord aboutfive feet away from
the vacuum end. Go to a person's room who is trusting and sleeps with his
door unlocked. Quietly put the vacuum inside, slipping the cord under the
door with the knot just on the outside. Close the door and penny the mark
in. Then go plug in the vacuum and sit back and enjoy. The person will
try to un-plug it, then when that doesn't work, will throw the switch to
turn it off, and when that doesn't work, will go and try to open the door.
At the sound of their scream, un-plug it. Wait 30 minutes and repeat.
***DISCLAIMER*** This trick is not completely safe...some hosehead may
try to disconnect the switch and electrocute himself.
38. Make a photocopy of a some shocking or disgusting photo, something
that would embarrass somebody, and put the paper back in the copiers paper
supply, down about a dozen sheets. Chances are, page 3 of the fourth guys
memo will be way less boring than all the other pages on all the copies of
the memo.
39. "Captain's log: Stardate 2841.9. 'Today I dreamed I turned into a
Klingon...then woke up in bed with a hangover...and a Klingon.'"
40. Let's say someone you know is about to do some visual presentation.
Take the same disgusting photo and put it down in the pile of his notes.
During the lecture, no one will know why the mark started choking and
laughing un-controllably when he got to page five.
41. We did this one to our choir director when we were in Germany. We
were doing a concert for this small town and we felt we needed to liven
"Doc" Wabrick up, so we slipped a naked picture of a 500 pound woman
inside the front cover of "Ave Maria", the third song. We finished
singing song #2, Doc opened Ave Maria, turned bright red, started
chuckling, and quietly said to us, "You sons of bitches..." He got us
back...at the end of song #4, we were supposed to hold a note for 8
counts. He made us hold it for 24.
42. Here's another joke we played on good old "Doc". Let's say you have
a buddy in the tenor section who has a solo during a song, like we did.
When Doc pointed at Tim to sing, the entire baritone section came in
instead.
I wish to publicly apologize for the error in my last posting. It was not
my intention to add the 'uuencode message'. I don't know how it got there
but it did and I am sorry. I will do everything in my power to prevent a
repeat.
Until Next Time,
Andy Cramer
------------------------------------------------------------
Use Proportional Font: true
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 16:27:38 -0400
From: Gene Child <GeneChild@AOL.COM>
Subject: THE DOG SHOW <Punny>
THE DOG AND HIS SON
One day a poppa dog had the job of looking after his young
puppy while mommy went off shopping. He had his heart set on
going to the dog show that day so asked his young son if he
would like to go along. Of course that sounded exciting to the
little puppy so he agreed.
While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo
and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of
show'. On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop
by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy
drank sodas while his father had several beers.
When they got home poppa realized that they had left the
ribbon on the bar.
The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop.
I'll run back for it."
When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked,
"What'll you have young man?"
The puppy replied, "I'LL HAVE PAP'S BLUE RIBBON, PLEASE!
From Gene Child and "Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 19:12:19 EDT
From: Mike Frihart <MFRIHART@BAMA.MHS.COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Sick to almost everyone <sexually disgusting>
Bob, a mild-mannered and pretty wimpy accountant is convicted of absconding
with company funds. He is extremely concerned about the reception he will
receive when he arrives in the penitentiary. On the first day of his
incarceration, his worst fears are realized. A mammoth black man strolls
up to him and says, "My name is Bubba. I will arrive in your cell at 7:00
tonight for our appointment." Bob now begins to sweat bullets, recalling
the horror stories about life in prison, and realizing that he is about to
experience it first-hand.
At the appointed hour, Bubba appears in the doorway. He is so big that he
has to turn sideways to get thru the door. Bubba smiles his biggest smile
and says, "Do you want to be the boy, or do you want to be the girl."
Bob is quite surprised. He hadn't even considered that he would have a
choice in the matter. So he says, "I'll be the boy."
Bubba smiles his biggest smile, turns his back on Bob, bends over and grabs
the cheeks of his ass and spreads them apart and says, "Alright, honey.
Now eat my pussy."
Now was that warning accurate or what?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 11:17:47 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Goosed? <adult themes>
What's the difference between a snake and a goose? A snake in an asp
in the grass. Lyle's Joke Boutique. PS: The Joke Boutique will be
closed for about ten days while I take a trip to Las Vegas to take
advantage of those soft-hearted blackjack dealers. Lyle K.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 19:07:25 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Urgent
Dear Subscribers! First I need a favor from you. If there's a possibility
please find for me the TOEFL code to the COLUMBUS COLLEGE OF ART AND
DESIGN in OHAIO , USA. But please, You HAVE to send it within
10 (ten) hours from NOW! This is extremely urgent!!!!!
From DRC100@psuvm.psu.edu Sun Dec 2 15:28:09 1990
From: DRC100@psuvm.psu.edu (david chandler)
Subject: Collection of short jokes
The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe:
All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that
I should have been more specific.
Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city
street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict
lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water
running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies
haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!"
The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her
balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..."
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of
things. The decayed and degraded state of
moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that
Nothing is worth war is much worse. The per-
son who has nothing for which he is willing
to fight, nothing which is more important
than his own personal safety, is a miserable
creature and has no chance of being free unless
made and kept so by the exertions of better
men than himself.
--- John Stewart Mill
All obvious theorems are true.
-- Pommersheim's Principle
All true theorems are obvious.
-- Keane's Kriterion
I'm a clown. That's my sole mechanism of defense. Very few people will go
out of their way to punish a clown.
-- ???
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find
that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes,
to make it possible.
T. E. Lawrence
_The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
Always do what you are afraid to do.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 13:56:15 EDT
From: "R. W-L" <Ralph_Welsch-Lehmann@NOTES.PW.COM>
Subject: lawyer joke <off. to lawyers>
What do you have when ten lawyers are burried in sand up to their heads? Not
enough sand.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 00:21:11 +0000
From: Vito T Dressel <vdressel@ATTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Elephant & Mouse (language)
A mouse and an elephant, best of friends, were walking through the jungle when
the elephant broke through a layer of branches covering a deep pit the natives
had dug in the trail. He was trapped. Try as he might, the elephant couldn't
get out of the pit and he knew that it was only a matter of time before the
natives would find and kill him.
"Oh, mouse," called the elephant, "You've got to help me out of this hole."
The mouse said not to worry and ran off to a nearby village. Soon he returned
driving a corvette and carrying a heavy rope. The mouse tied the rope to the
corvette's bumper, threw the end to the elephant, and the elephant dragged
himself out of the pit.
The elephant thanked the mouse and they continued their walk through the
jungle.
Shortly thereafter, the mouse fell into a similar deep pit and couldn't get out.
"Oh elephant my friend. I helped you out of a pit, now you must help me." said
the mouse.
The elephant straddled the pit and dangled his dick into it. "Just run up my
dick and you'll be free," said the elephant to the mouse. The mouse ran up the
elephant's dick and was free.
Moral of the story: If you've got a big dick, you don't need a corvette.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 1995 23:43:38 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: THE GASTRONOMICAL BEAN STORY
THE GASTRONOMICAL BEAN STORY
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction upon him. By and by he met a girl and fell in love. When it
became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a
sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans (they were married shortly
thereafter).
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and since
they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be
late because of the misfortune, and that he would have to walk home. On his
way home he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was
overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he
would work off any ill effects of the beans before he got home, so he stopped
at the cafe. Before he had left he had eaten three large portions of the
baked beans. All the way home he putt- putted, and after arriving, he felt
reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat
agitated but excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have
the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and
led him to his chair at the head of the dining room table. He seated himself,
and just as he was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She
made him vow not to touch the blindfold till she returned, and then went to
answer the phone.
Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap
and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming upon him, so he shifted his weight to the
other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his
ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes
until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed
his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling
contentedly to himself, was the very picture of innocence, when his wife
returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and he,
of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the
blindfold and there was his big SURPRISE. Twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for a HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARTY for him!
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1995 to 21 Apr 1995
************************************************