Topics of the day:
1. Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
2. Little Old Lady Jokes (profanity)
3. Newtie humor - offensive to Newt fans!
4. Bank teller <off. to whores>
5. Glass Eye Girl (off. to one-eyed people)
6. love
7. French humor <vulgar & stupid>
8. Apology and marriage
9. Are You A Nathan? off: religious
10. Birthday story <risque>
11. Health Care Humor. (fwd)
12. Finally, Creation We Can Understand.... (fwd)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 06:33:22 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
30 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of
your kleenex to other passengers.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
5. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Wear yours upside-down.
6. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing
the wall, without getting off.
7. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to
yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they
open by themselves.
8. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
9. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
10. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand
that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped
down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
11. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while,
and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
12. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from
the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
13. Meow occasionally.
14. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
15. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
16. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
17. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
18. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
19. Stare at another passenger for a while, then
announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far
corner of the elevator.
20. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
21. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to
the other passengers.
22. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask
"is that your beeper?"
23. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
24. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
25. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers that this is your
"personal space."
27. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another
passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
28. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more
suitable host body."
29. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
30. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 07:43:30 PST
From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Little Old Lady Jokes (profanity)
(It should be obvious that these two jokes about little old ladies could be
offensive to little old ladies. I haven't heard these in quite a while.)
-- Joke #1 --
This little old lady was doing some work around the house and went to the
hardware store to buy a file. She told the clerk she needed a file to
sharpen something or other, and the clerk said, "Well, we have this medium
bastard here." She looked at the file and told the clerk, "No, I would
rather have this little fucker over here."
(Clueless? A moderately coarse file is called a bastard, there's even a
picture in my cheap dictionary. You probably won't hear that one on Home
Improvement.)
-- Joke #2 --
A group of people were standing around at a party telling jokes. Everyone
had told a joke except this one little old lady. Someone suggested she tell
a joke, but she declined. Others encouraged her to tell a joke, but she
insisted that she could not tell the joke she knew because it included the
F-word and the S-word. Finally, someone suggested that she substitute
"fudge" for the F-word, and "sugar" for the S-word. After some thought, she
relented and began, "There were these two cocksuckers..."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 11:29:04 -0500
From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: Newtie humor - offensive to Newt fans!
Have you heard about Newt Gingrich's plan to save money in the National
Park system???
He wants them to fire all of the cattle guards!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 12:56:35 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Bank teller <off. to whores>
A woman staggered into a bank carrying two very heavy bags filled with
coins. There were so many coins the teller was astonished and asked,
"Lady, did you hoard these coins all by yourself?" "No, my sister
whored half of them." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 14:38:21 -0500
From: Matt Patterson <DrBubonic@AOL.COM>
Subject: Glass Eye Girl (off. to one-eyed people)
This article is excerpted from the e-zine Ooze #4. Ooze is available in
macintosh application, text, or nice graphical web version from
htttp://www.io.com/user/ooze/
or from drbubonic@aol.com for subscription or back issue information.
(include wether you want mac or text format) YOU
MUST READ IT... THE FATE OF THE WORLD'S FROGS HANG IN THE BALANCE!
THE BIG SURPRISE
It was a big night out. One of my friends had invited a group of her co-
workers and me out to a bar. When I got there I was introduced to an ok-
looking Asian girl. She was sort of kooky and had been slamming down
the drinks. She entertained the party by demonstrating her ability to put
lit matches into her mouth. Amusing, but nothing really out of the
ordinary.
Until she grabbed my hand. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Trust me." She held my fist and extended my index finger, bracing it
with both hands. She started guiding my extended finger towards her
face. I thought she was going to insert my finger into her nose to pick
some boogers out, but she was guiding my finger towards her eye.
Strange, I thought to myself as she poked my finger into her open eyeball,
instead of being squishy it was sort of hard.
I thought that was a pretty neat trick to freak someone out by making
them touch a hard contact lens. "Those are thick contacts," I said.
"No, no. That's my glass eye," and demonstrated the fact by
asynchronously twirling it around in her skull. A million questions filled
my head. "Were you in the same accident as Sammy Davis Jr.?" "Do you
have any weird holiday colored eyes?" "Are you available for bar
mitzvahs?" But, for once, I was floored. I just stared at the wall. I had
just touched a glass eye!
I bet soon, once piercing and branding are laughable old fads like bell
bottoms, teens will line up to have their very own glass eye. How chic!
Here's a cool party trick you can use to cash in on the Glass Eye
phenomenon. If you are at a party and someone drops some glass on the
floor smashing it, quickly cover one of your eyes and yell, "My Glass Eye!"
very loudly. It makes some people really uncomfortable, but most chicks
will eventually dig how hip you are to the glass eye phenomenon.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 14:45:52 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: love
------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
From: Nancy Darling <DARLING@dickinson.edu>
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular."
Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
pretty good too."
Greg, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10
"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together
in the dark."
Sherm, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs'
is on television."
Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a
tree."
Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."
Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough."
Regina, age 10
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't
worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something
she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN
LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love."
Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold...Other people care more about the food."
Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just
wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are ---
on fire."
Christine, age 9
TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
Arnold, age 10
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
Larry, age 8
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
Eddie, age 6
"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When
I'm with My Friends.'"
Bob, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are
One!'"
Will, age 7
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they
finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm
all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or
even stoves in their houses."
Gina, age 8
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best
of you."
Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
Carin, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ...
That's why I stopped doing it."
Tammy, age 10
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission."
Roger, age 6
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never
take out the trash."
Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't
like picking what movie you want to watch."
Natalie, age 9
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 17:09:19 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: French humor <vulgar & stupid>
Here are two French jokes taken from Herve Negre's _Dictionnaire des
histoires droles_, vol 2, p. 261, Larousse, 1973. The English version is a
re-telling, not a translation.
Un gars entre dans une pharmacie et il dit: <<Vous avez qqch contre ...
euh ... qqch contre ...>>. Il y a une tres jolie jeune fille derriere le
comptoir. C'est elle, la pharmacienne. Elle dit: <<Vous voulez qqch
contre quoi?>> Le gars, il bredouille: <<Contre ... enfin, vous voyez,
qqch contre .. qqch pour ... euh .. c'est a dire que je ne pas si vous me
comprenez, mais j'ai l'habitude de faire l'amour cinq fois par jour au
moins, mais aujourd'hui, enfin, vous savez ... Qu'est-ce que vous pouvez
me donner?>>
La pharmacienne le toise de pied en cap et repond: <<Cent balles
par semaine, nourri, loge', ca vous va?>>
A guy comes into the pharmacy and asks, "Do you have something for .. uh,
something to .... There is a beautiful young girl behind the counter,
the pharmacist, and she asks: "You need something for ... what?" The
guy mumbles, "For .. well, ... it's for .. you see .. uh, that is... I'm
not sure if you'll understand, but I can usually make love 5 times a day
at least, but today, well, ... you know ... . What can you give me?
The pharmacist looks him up and down and says, "How about 100
bucks a week, plus food and lodging?"
(2) <<Vous voulez des capotes anglaises,>> dit la pharmacienne, <<mais
vous me m'avez pas dit la taille... <<Euh,>> fait le client, <<je ne
sais pas! Vous n'avez qu'a prendre la mesure vous-meme.>>
<<Tres bien,>> dit la pharmacienne, sans sourciller. Au bout
d'un moment, elle se tourne vers l'arriere-boutique et crie:
<<Apportez-moi une boite de preservatifs de taille 3 .. non, de taille 5,
... non, attendez une seconde... C'est la taille 7 qu'il faut! Et
pendant que vous y etes, apprortez aussi la serpilliere!
"You want to buy some condoms," says the pharmacist, as she
smiles sweetly to the guy, "but you didn't tell me what size.: "Uh,"
says the customer, "I don't know. You'll have to measure it yourself."
"Fine," says the pharmacist, without missing a beat. Afer just a
minute, she turns toward the back of the shop and yells: "Bring me a box
of rubbers, size 3, ... no, size 5, ... no wait a second, I need size 7,
and while you're at it, bring me one of those air mattresses from aisle
four."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 17:18:25 -500
From: Sameer Doshi <pdoshi@OEONLINE.COM>
Subject: Apology and marriage
Hello all. Sorry for sending the listserv message the other day to the
list... I can't believe I did that after two years on the net. I received
my well-deserved share of flamage... :-)
ObHumor:
" A supply teacher in our school was being married on the weekend, and
I, as vice principal, made an announcement over the intercom: "The staff
and students would like to congratulate Mr. Green on his forthcoming
marriage.
When I saw him in the hall after school, he thanked me for the
special attention, but added that he thought the Grade 5 students he had
been teaching needed more language instruction. After hearing the
announcement, one of the students had asked, "Have you really been
married three times before?
-Contributed by Gail Patterson "
From June 1994 _Reader's Digest_, without permission.
***Sameer Doshi*** | "Hey Steve, just because you broke into Xerox's
PDOSHI@OEONLINE.COM | store before I did and took the TV doesn't
| mean I can't go in later and steal the stereo."
| -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, 3/14/89
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 19:16:24 -0500
From: Joseph Kaye <W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Are You A Nathan? off: religious
The original piece was written about some one who bares no resemblence
whatsoever to a former Director of Studies of mine, a born again Christian
(yearbook quotes included 'Behold the Lamb of God', under his own photo,
remember, and 'Matthew 11:12') whose name isn't Nathan but is somewhat
similar. Any resemblence, of course, to any individual, living or dead, is
purely coincidental.
Standard Government Questionaire: Are You A Nigel?
1. What is your favorite footware?
A: Nike
B: Reebok
C: Just your feet with two small holes for ventilation
2. What is your favorite hobby?
A: Birdwatching
B: Trainspotting
C: Leperhealing
3. How do you feel about sex?
A: Premarital sex is all part of growing up.
B: It's overrated. (Cross reference to Standard Gov't Questionaire: Are You
A Git?)
C: Well, I thought getting my mum pregnant without it was a pretty nifty
trick.
4. How did you feel about 'The Last Temptation of Christ?'
A: Sucked.
B: Chick movie.
C: I could have won an Oscar, you know.
5. How is your social life?
A: Your round, mate?
B: It's overrated.
C: The Pope never calls back any more.
7. How is your relationship with your father?
A: Alright, I guess.
B: Father? What's that?
C: You try sitting on his right hand all that time.
8. What are your thoughts about heaven?
A: I'm not that religious.
B: Heaven? Twice a night, honey, just ask Lefty.
C: It's overrated.
HOW DID YOU SCORE?
Mostly A's: Nothing to worry about, say three Hail Mary's and be on your
way.
Mostly B's: You're neither mate, you're just sad.
Mostly C's: You, on the other hand, are one step away from fantasy. Say
three Hippocratic oaths, take twelve pints (of beer, not Budweiser), and
avoid the nearest place of worship for a week.
---------------------------------------------
This was part of the Humour Consortium, which I've mentioned before, except
this was written by a James Christian, fellow member of the troop, and not by
me. It just seemed appropriate due to yesterday's God questionaire...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 17:26:00 PST
From: "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: Birthday story <risque>
Here is one sent to me by a fellow graduate student...
I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday,
and I thought, "I'm another year older, "but decided not to dwell on it.
So I showered and shaved, knowing that at breakfast my wife would greet
me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."
All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife reading
the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a
cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be
down in a few minutes, they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice
gift for me."
There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the
kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast!
I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling
more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big
smile and a cheerful, "Happy birthday, boss." She asked if she could
get me some coffee. The fact she remembered my birthday made me feel a lot
better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door
and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"
Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."
So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I
said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country,
instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and
went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and
a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said,
"Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?"
It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the
office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.
After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will
slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a
few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife, my kids and all my friends.
And
there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
Remember:
Be Careful!! 90% of most people are
caused by accidents!!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 20:42:18 -0500
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Health Care Humor. (fwd)
I noticed Warren Christopher had to seek treatment for a bleeding
ulcer while in Ottawa, Ontario, CANADA.
In a related development, Sen. Phil Gramm pledged that if he's
president, his secretary of state will continue bleeding until he gets
back to the US, rather than be coopted by the forces of SOCIALIZED
MEDICINE.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 20:52:58 -0500
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Finally, Creation We Can Understand.... (fwd)
On 24 Feb 1995 at 18:19, Paul L. Merenbloom (PAULM@SMTP{paulm@mail.MR.Net}) wrote:
Can't take credit for this.... only chopping off the headders to protect the
guilty <G>
IN THE BEGINNING
(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God saw he had zero funds remaining.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Feb 1995 to 24 Feb 1995
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