Topics of the day:
1. Monkey in a bar. (invokes graphic image)
2. Flight emergency
3. CIGARETTES. (APOLOGY:MAY BE UPPER CASE)
4. zebra
5. More Steve Wright jokes--part 2 of 2
6. Top Ten List (offensive to small "packaged" men?)
7. nudist popularity <sexually suggestive>
8. Readers Digest type humor
9. classic lookout for the F word
10. Lonely priest <off. to Catholics>
11. Evil Practical Jokes (Part 4 of 6)
12. power lunch
13. Redneck Humor
14. Controvercial E-Mail Headers
15. Haircut <off to blondes?>
16. OJ jokes
17. <HUMOR> Snow white, sticker, and one sexual
18. Rules to be a man
19. TOURONS (Tourist Morons)
20. How to Attend a Meeting (1 of 5)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 00:10:17 -0500
From: S001BPB@DESIRE.WRIGHT.EDU
Subject: Monkey in a bar. (invokes graphic image)
A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender's first
reation is to throw the animal out, but is assured the monkey is well
trained and will behave. The bartender gives the monkey a chance, so
the man orders a beer for himself, and a shot for the monkey, who sits
quietly and sips from it.
The bartender warms up to the cute fellow, and before long is
giving the monkey free shots. After several drinks, the monkey gets a
wild look in his eyes, stands up on the bar, beats his chest, runs over
to the pool table and proceeds to break the sticks, throw the balls at
other customers and swallowing the cue.
The monkey's owner manages to restrain him, and removes him from
the bar...he returns to pay for the damages and apologize, swearing he
had never seen the monkey behave in such a manner. The bartender accepts
his apology, and assumes some of the blame, afterall, he had supplied
most of the booze...he expresses his concern over the swallowed cue. The
man promises to watch for it, and bring it back in once it's been passed.
A few days later, he returns with the monkey in one hand, and the
cue in the other. The monkey hops up on the bar and offers the bartender
a hand shake and hug. The bartender can't stay mad and offers the
monkey a peanut. The monkey stands up, inserts the peanut into his
rectum, wriggles around a little, digs the peanut back out and eats it.
The bartender watches in horror and exclaims: "What the hell was that
about?!?"
The owner shrugs and replies, "Since the cue-ball incident, he
likes to size his food."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 01:08:53 -0400
From: Ed Conrad <EDACON@AOL.COM>
Subject: Flight emergency
--------------------------------
A minister, a lawyer, and a boyscout are the only passengers on a small plane
that develops engine problems.
The pilot emerges from the cockpit and announces, "Real problem; going down;
can't possibly land. Must bail out! But we only have 3 parachutes!"
He reaches into the back of the plane and grabs one of the 3 chutes,
announcing, "I'm a married man with 3 kids to support, so I must save
myself", and bails out.
The lawyer then yells, "I have the greatest mind on earth, and the world
can't afford to lose my great intellect." He struggles into the back grabs
for a chute and out he goes.
The elderly minister smiles at the boyscout, "Son, I've lived much of my life
already, so why don't you...
"Nothing to worry about, Reverend", interrupts the scout. "The Greatest Mind
on Earth just bailed out wearing my backpack!"
----------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 09:32:52 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: CIGARETTES. (APOLOGY:MAY BE UPPER CASE)
A GUY GOES INTO A CONVENIENCE STORE AND ASKS THE CLERK FOR SEVERAL
CIGARETTES. THE CLERK SAYS, "WE SELL CIGARETTES ONLY IN PACKET"
THE NEXT DAY THE SAME GUY ENTER AND ASK FOR SEVERAL CIGARETTES.
THE CLERK REPLY THAT IT'S CAME ONLY IN PACKET.
THE SAME THING REPEAT ON THE NEXT DAY SO THE CLERK DECIDE TO OPEN
SEVERAL PACKET,AND TO TAKE OUT THE CIGARETTES.
THE CLERK WAIT UNTIL THE GUY ENTER THE STORE AND SAY "I CAN SELL
YOU NOW SEVERAL CIGARETTES".
"THANK YOU" SAYS THE GUY "I'LL LIKE TWENTY PLEASE"
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 04:37:06 -0500
From: Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM>
Subject: zebra
A little zebra dies and goes to heaven.
The Zebra says to peter at the gate:
"There's one thing I really wanted to know...
am I a white zebra with black stripes or
am I a black zebra with white stripes?"
Peter replied: "You'll have to ask God about that,
then come back and tell me what God said."
So the little zebra went to God and asked the same question.
God replied: "You are what you are."
So the little zebra, still confused,
goes back to Peter and repeats God's words.
"Ah" said Peter, "You're a white zebra with black stripes."
"How do you know?" asked the little zebra.
"Because," Peter replied,"If you had been a black zebra
with white stripes, God would have said,
'You is what you is.'"
Take care, Karen
_/ _/ _/ _/_/ _/_/ _/ _/
_/_/ _/ _/ _/ _/
_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/
"Purrrr..."
__..--''``\--....___ _..,_
_.-' .-/"; ` ``<._ ``-+'~=. ////
///_.-' _..--.'_ \ `(^) ) //
// ((..-' // (< _ ;_..__ ; `' //
////////////// `-._,_)'//////``--...____..-' /////
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 06:45:31 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: More Steve Wright jokes--part 2 of 2
Do you remember the one in which he says he took his dog for a walk...
all the way from New York to Florida...
then he said to his dog "There now you're done."
Or how about the one in which he says he named his dog "Stay"...
so he could say "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay."
I went to a restaurant. It said "Breakfast anytime"...so I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
One time right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and
started reading...The guy said "What the hell are you doing? I said
"Let me ask you a question...If you were in a vehicle and you were
travelling at the speed of light, and then you turned your headlights
on...would they do anything?" He said, "I don't know." I said "Forget
it then, I don't want to work for you."
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.
I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down...I just have to fill
in the rest.
I have a microwave fireplace. You can lay down in front of the fire for
the entire evening in 8 minutes.
Coming back from Canada...as I crossed over the border...I was asked if
had any firearms...I said, "What do you need?"
My watch is three hours fast and I can't fix it, so I'm going to move
to New York.
I was on a ski lift with another person...no one I knew...and he didn't
say a word until we were half way up the mountain...then he said, "I
haven't been skiing in ten years."
I said "How come?"
He said "I was in jail."
I didn't say anything.
He said, "You wanna know why?"
I said, "Not really."
He said, "I'll tell you anyway...
I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel."
I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk
through them into another dimension.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old
one out now I can go 300 mp/h.
The power in my apartment went out the other night. I had to
use the flash on my camera to find my way around. I took
twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 07:53:25 EST
From: "FISHER, KEN" <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: Top Ten List (offensive to small "packaged" men?)
From the home office in Big Bone Lick State Park, Kentucky, here
are the Top Ten Ways to tell if someone has had penis enlargement
surgery. Here we go...
10. Always gets volunteered to work the ring toss booth at the
church carnival.
9. While attending a hockey game, gets penalized for "high
sticking" and he wasn't even playing.
8. Shows up to play golf and doesn't have any clubs.
7. Knocks apples off the apple tree without using a ladder.
6. Can change the channels on t.v., sitting six feet away, and
doesn't have a remote control.
5. Can carry more donuts than your local policeman.
4. Gets struck by lightening every time it storms.
3. Had the game winning block during the NBA playoffs, while
sitting in the 12th row.
2. Tells you the water is cold while standing on the Golden
Gate Bridge.
1. Changes his last name to "Tripod."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 10:03:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <dkw0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: nudist popularity <sexually suggestive>
Who's the most popular man at a nudist colony?
The one who can carry four cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Who's the most popular woman?
The one who can eat the last donut.
The "Top Ten Ways to tell if someone has had penis enlargement surgery"
reminded me of it.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 10:46:13 EST
From: Bill <EDWARDS_BILL@MERCURY.CSG.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Readers Digest type humor
Boy Scout leader to troop: "Remember, fellows, if you're lost in the
woods at night, get your bearings from the sky. A glow will indicate
the nearest shopping center."
"If scientists really want to end world hunger, all they have to do
is figure out how my body turns two ounces of sour cream into five
pounds of fat."
"I used to watch golf on television, but the doctor said I needed
more exercise, so now I watch tennis."
Veterianarian to owner of new puppy: "Sure he comes with papers. How
many bundles would you like?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 12:47:13 -0400
From: Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: classic lookout for the F word
A lady enters a Basc and Robbins and tells the clerk " Give me a gallon of
chocolate ice cream."
The clerk says " I'm sorry, but we are out of chocolate."
The woman says " Well, a alright, I'll take a quart of chocolate."
The clerk says " Lady, I told you, we are out of chocolate."
She says " Well then, give me a pint of chocolate."
The frustrated guy asks " Lady, how do you spell the van in vanilla?"
She hesitates and the says " Van."
The clerk asks " How do you spell the straw in strawberry?"
She answers exasperatedly " Straw!"
He asks " How do you spell the fuck in chocolate?"
She indignantly replies " There ain't no fuck in chocolate."
The clerk triumphantly answers " THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 12:52:41 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Lonely priest <off. to Catholics>
A priest was sent to a remote and deserted area in Alaska. After
several months the Bishop came to visit and said, "I don't know how you
can stand it here. It's so deserted...it must be very difficult."
"Yes," said the priest, "I don't think I could stand it if it wasn't
for my rosary and martinis." "By the way, would you like to have a
martini?" "Yes, that would be nice," said the Bishop. The priest
turned towards the kitchen and called out, "Rosary...please bring in
two martinis." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 08:26:00 LCL
From: U01PA1C <U01PA1C.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Evil Practical Jokes (Part 4 of 6)
Form: Memo
Use OEM Field: true
Text: (90 lines follow)
Subject: Evil Practical Jokes (Part 4 of 6)
------------------------------------------------------------
SICK AND DEMENTED PRACTICAL JOKES FOR PISSING OFF ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE YOU
EITHER DON'T KNOW OR DON'T LIKE
***DISCLAIMER*** PRACTICAL JOKES ARE JOKES. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO CAUSE
HARM, PAIN OR IN ANY WAY ENDANGER THE JOKEE. THE FOLLOWING PRANKS DO JUST
THAT AND ARE NOT JOKES...THEY ARE DIRTY TRICKS FROM A SADISTIC MIND. AS
BEFORE, THESE ARE A COLLECTION OF MY PRANKS AND SOME PULLED OFF OF THE
INTERNET. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY REVENGE YOUR "MARK" MAY TAKE ON
YOU--A.W.C.
***********************************************************
31. OH, ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE CHEMISTRY STORY...GET A HOLD OF SOME METALLIC
POTASSIUM. TAKE ABOUT A GRAPE SIZE CHUNK OF IT AND WITH THE APPROPRIATE
RUBBER GLOVES ON, SNEAK INTO ANY WOMEN'S BATHROOM AND STICK THE CHUNK
UNDER THE RIM OF A TOILET RIGHT UNDER ONE OF THE WATER HOLES. WHEN
SOMEONE FLUSHES, BOOM! INSTANT EXPLOSION. I CAN HEAR IT NOW. STANDING BY
THE DOOR...HEAR THE TOILET GO "WHOOSH...BOOM!", THE GIRL GO
"AAAAAAAEEEEEEE", HER STREAKING OUT OF THE BATHROOM, PANTIES AROUND HER
ANKLES AND SMOKE COMING FROM UNDER HER DRESS.
32. OLDER CAMPUSES HAVE AT LEAST ONE BUILDING WITH A LARGE CLOCK TOWER.
MAKE A LARGE CUTOUT OF MICKEY MOUSE, MINUS ARMS, AND SECURE IT TO THE
CLOCK FACE DURING THE DEAD OF NIGHT. PUT WHITE GLOVES ON THE CLOCK HANDS.
33. DURING THE NIGHT, PUT A PIECE OF BOLOGNA ON THE HOOD OF SOME GUY'S
CAR. WHEN HE TRIES TO PEEL IT UP IN THE MORNING, THE PAINT COMES WITH IT.
34. IF YOU KNOW ANYWHERE WITH HANDLES INSTEAD OF DOOR KNOBS ON THEIR
FRONT DOORS, EVEN A BUILDING, TAKE A WOODEN SPIKE, WHICH CAN USUALLY BE
FOUND AT ANY CONSTRUCTION SITE, AND PUT IT THROUGH THE HANDLES. RING THE
DOORBELL AND RUN LIKE CRAZY. IT WAS FUNNY AS HELL TO SEE THEM TRY TO OPEN
THE DOORS, UNTIL ONE NIGHT.....I WAS ELECTED TO PUT THE STAKE IN, WHICH I
DID AND RANG THE BELL. I HEARD HUGE HEAVY FOOTSTEPS RUN TO THE DOOR, AND
AS THE DOOR YANKED OPEN, THE STAKE CRACKED ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH. THE GUY
WAS CURSING AND SWEARING AND KEPT YANKING ON THE DOOR AND THE STAKE WAS
SLOWLY CRACKING. MY FEET FINALLY UNFROZE AND I RAN. JUST AS I HIT THE
SIDEWALK, THE GARAGE DOOR FLEW OPEN AND A CORVETTE, A DUNE BUGGY AND A
HARLEY PEELED OUT AFTER US. TURNS OUT, THERE WERE A BUNCH OF BIKERS
RENTING THE PLACE. WE GOT AWAY, BUT IN PASSING BY THERE LATER ON THE WAY
BACK HOME, THEY WERE STILL OUT ON THE NEXT STREET COMING THE BUSHES FOR
US.
35. WISH I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS BACK IN GRADE SCHOOL AT SLEEPY
HOLLOW ELEMENTARY...IN ANOTHER HIGH SCHOOL, THE TYPICAL BULLY APPROACHED A
BRAIN TYPE GUY AND TOLD HIM TO GET SOME CHLOROFORM FROM THE LAB. INSTEAD
OF GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTED, THEY GAVE HIM SILVER NITRATE INSTEAD. FROM
WHAT I'M TOLD, HIS FACE AND HANDS STARTED TURNING BLACK SOMETIME DURING
HIS NEXT CLASS. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME HE EVER BOTHERED THEM.
36. TAKE A BUNCH OF PAPER TOWELS, TIE THEM IN A BALL WITH STRING AND SOAK
THEM IN STARCH TILL WET. TAKE THEM OUT AND LET THEM DRY. WHEN DRY,
REMOVE THE STRING AND IT WILL STAY IN ITS BALL. THEN FLUSH SAID BALL DOWN
THE POTTY. IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES THE MAIN DRAIN WILL BE CLOGGED.
***NOTE*** ONLY DO THIS TO A TOILET TWO OR MORE FLOORS BELOW YOU, OR YOU
MIGHT GET THEIR TOILET BACKING UP INTO YOUR SHOWERS. A SMALL BLOCK OF
SODIUM WORKS BETTER.
37. HERE'S A PRETTY GOOD ALBEIT SICK ONE...TAKE THE COVER OF A PLASTIC
CONTAINER, LIKE A COOL WHIP OR A TUPPERWARE, FILL THE COVER WITH PISS, AND
FREEZE IT. WHEN IT'S DONE, YOU HAVE A NEAT LITTLE "PISS-DISK", GREAT FOR
SLIDING UNDER DOORS TO LET THEM THAW.
38. GO TO ALMOST ANY LARGE NURSERY. AT LEAST ONE IN EACH AREA SHOULD
CARRY LIVE LADYBUGS IN STOCK. THEY COST A COUPLE OF BUCKS FOR A BAG OF
ABOUT 1000. BUY ABOUT 2000, AND PUT THEM IN THE FRIDGE TO "CHILL OUT."
WHEN CHILLED, DIVIDE THEM UP INTO FIVE OR SIX OPEN MANILA ENVELOPES AND
QUICKLY SLIDE THEM UNDER THE DOOR, AS WHEN THE LADYBUGS WARM UP THEY
BECOME VERY ACTIVE. THE R.A. THIS WAS DONE TO DREAMED THAT BUGS WERE
CRAWLING ALL OVER HIM AND WOKE UP TO FIND IT WAS TRUE. HE SHOOED THEM OUT
HIS WINDOW AND THEY FLEW RIGHT BACK INTO HIS NEIGHBORS WINDOW. SO, IF YA
DO THIS TO A NEIGHBOR, KEEP YOUR WINDOW SHUT FOR A WHILE.
39. GO TO YOUR LOCAL STUDENT STORE AND BUY A BOTTLE OF INK. LOCATE THE
WINDOW WASH RESERVOIR ON SOMEBODY'S CAR. GETTING THE PICTURE YET? FILL
IT UP WITH THE INK! IT DOES WONDERS FOR PAINT AND FOR VISION.
40. LOCATE EACH SPARK PLUG WIRE THAT GOES INTO THE ENGINE ON YOUR MARK'S
CAR. UNPLUG AND REPLUG THEM IN ANY ORDER YOU CHOOSE. THIS CAUSES THE
ENGINE TO RUN EXTREMELY ROUGH, AND IN SOME 4-CYLINDER CARS, DEPENDING ON
YOUR ORDER, MAY NOT RUN AT ALL.
I'm baaaaack!!!
Andy Cramer
U01PA1C@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL
------------------------------------------------------------
Use Proportional Font: true
Original to: HUMOR@SMTP{humor@uga.cc.uga.edu}
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 14:32:42 -0400
From: John/Mary Ellen McWilliams <jmcwilli@WAVE.SHERIDAN.WY.US>
Subject: power lunch
Three executive types entered a Manhattan restaurant for their usual power
lunch. In giving their order to the waitress, two ordered a vodka martini
on the rocks. The third man said, "I'll have the same...in a clean glass."
The waitress returned with their drinks. "Which one," she asked, "wanted a
clean glass?"
(thanks to Leon Baden, Harrisburg (PA) Evening News)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 16:21:14 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Redneck Humor
If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number
of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at
an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce
all the world's great literary works, in Braille.
-- from Omni Magazine
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 19:26:37 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Controvercial E-Mail Headers
Sending this for the benefit of one of the readers of the humor list
Paul Robinson <paul@tdr.com>
----
Date: Tue, 23 May 95 20:31 GMT+0200
From: Werner Terreblanche <wterreb@active.co.za>
Subject: Controvercial E-Mail Headers
Suspecting that sys-op at the company we work for have this habit of
scanning the headers of e-mail messages sent, we started using some
controversial headers that would really tickle his imagination.
What follows is a list of some of the better ones we could dream up:
subj: Adult entertainment FTP sites list
subj: Breaking down Unix system firewalls
subj: Subscription address for Satanic Digest
subj: Letting your friends use company Internet Access
subj: Reporting management to the IRS
subj: Formation of new trade unions
subj: FTP rights for everyone: how to bypass company restrictions
subj: Abo$% y@#r vir%s
subj: SUBSCRIBE HUMOUR LIST
subj: Management salary review
subj: STRICTLY PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL
subj: Sex talk via Telnet
subj: Good news!
subj: Online games via Internet Email
subj: IMPORTANT: WIPE THIS FILE AFTER READING
subj: How to generate a mail bomb
subj: Automatic Digest: Church of Euthenasia sermon
subj: Finding a better job through Internet
subj: How to make a fortune selling company secrets
subj: RE: Your application for emmigration
subj: Offer: Second hand office equipment
subj: Nude pictures of my sys-op's daughter
Werner Terreblanche ( wterreb@plessey.co.za )
Richard Ivanov ( divanov@plessey.co.za )
Lizette Preiss
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 20:04:30 -0400
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Haircut <off to blondes?>
This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. She's wearing a pair of
headphones, and the stylist says that he can't cut her hair with the
headphones on. She replies "No, you have to cut around the headphones, I
can't take them off". They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally
agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her
extra. She says, "That's ok, go ahead and cut it".
So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the
headphones, she's happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again.
Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, "No way, not
this time, this time I'm taking the headphones off". So he takes off the
headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a
few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead. He
wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and
puts them on. He hears "breathe in... breathe out...breathe in... breathe
out..."
<doh!>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 20:56:03 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: OJ jokes
Date: May 24, 1995
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: More OJ jokes
OJ told old friend/cop, Ron Shipp, that he dreamed of killing
Nicole. He should have dreamed of being acquitted.
If you see OJ running through an airport again, you will know
why.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 09:12:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Snow white, sticker, and one sexual
Firstly one from my 7-year old:
What did Snow White sing in the photo shop?
Some day my prints will come.
A bumper sticker from above my favourite bar:
Don't drink and drive! You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Finally one from the memory banks:
A good lucking bachelor walks into a singles bar in which there are several
beautiful women and no men. As he walks through the door he realises that they
are all looking in his direction. Thinking that this is his lucky day he
strides to the bar and orders a drink. As he turns to smile at the women he
realises that they are totally ignoring him and that they are still looking at
the door. His attempts to chat any of them up are greeted with minimal and
fairly rude responses.
The door opens and in walks this short, fat and very ugly man. Immediately the
women all rush to him and compete with each other for his man's attention.
Turning to the barman the bachelor says, "Heh! How come these women are all
ignoring me and are all over this ugly brute?" "Couldn't imagine, sir." replied
the barman, "Perhaps it's something to do with the way he licks his eyebrows."
Mike R
@:->
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 21:17:40 -0400
From: Lindsay Hancock <Froggies0O@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rules to be a man
Rules to be a Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)-Part 1 of 5
<possibly offensive to men, offensive language>
>--------------------------------------------------------
>
> 1 Don't call, ever.
> 2 If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure
it out for herself
3 Lie.
4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "spike"
5 If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it
to them.
6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go
out with me?
7 Drink Vernors.
8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will
do.
10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your
fault.
11 Lie
12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask.
People will think you have no penis.
14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever
you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why,just
come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just
don't like her personality."
17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use
only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are
permissible.
18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up
on her.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 20:34:44 -0500
From: "March L. Warn" <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: TOURONS (Tourist Morons)
Taken from "Eco Traveler" magazine Jan/Feb 1995
Questions asked of staff members at various state visitors bureaus
------------------------------------------------------------------
When do they turn on the Northern Lights, and where should I stand to get
the best view?
(Anchorage Convention and Visitors Bureau)
I'll be in San Diego December 1. What time will the whales be swimming by?
(San Diego Convention and Visitors Bureau)
Who Mows the tundra?
(Juneau Convention and Visitors Bureau)
How long does it take to drive from California to Hawaii?
(Hawaii Visitors Bureau's Los Angeles office)
Do you have a dance in Salt Lake City that back East we call "ballet"?
(Salt Lake Convention and Visitors Bureau)
What is the elevation here?
(asked by an arriving cruise ship passenger in Juneau, Alaska)
returning control of your monitor to you
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 May 1995 22:04:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: How to Attend a Meeting (1 of 5)
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful
to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among
your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is
the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant
governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword
puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily
No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the
real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone
messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position
where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single
bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those
days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who
had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and
basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an
antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
Origin: On 24 May 1995 at 11:39, Andy Franklin
(andy@ontos.mhs.compuserve.com) wrote the above in one piece to the
Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com).
P.S. I'm sorry for the duplicate postings re "American studies" on Monday.
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End of HUMOR Digest - 23 May 1995 to 24 May 1995
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