Topics of the day:
1. <HUMOR> Offensive to New Zealanders and Aussies
2. Dog Names <Suggestive>
3. Descriptions my internet girlfriend
4. Kitty Litter Box <off. to animal lovers>
5. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
6. There Oughta Be a Law
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Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 14:05:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Offensive to New Zealanders and Aussies
Possibly offensive to New Zealanders and Australians.
Q. What do you call a New Zealander with 12 wives?
A. A shepherd
Q Why do New Zealander shepherds like to catch their sheep
near the top of a cliff?
A. Because they push back harder.
Two Australians decided to go out of the metropolis into the
bush for their regular return to the true life of the Aussie.
Sitting down by a billabong (small pond) they each opened a
tinnie (can of beer) and laid back to enjoy the sights and
sounds of the outback. After a while the bigger of the two
spotted a dot on the horizon.
"Well, Bruce, what da ya rekon that is?"
The second replied, "Dunnow, Bruce. Perhaps it's a bird."
Within a few minutes they saw that it was a small plane flying
straight towards them. Sure enough it landed about 100 yards
away.
Opening another tinnie the bigger Bruce said, "Well, I'z rekon
I'z better sees wat dey want?" and he walked over to the
plane.
As he reached it the door opened and out stepped a smartly
dressed man wearing African safari clothes and carrying a
rifle. Looking at the bigger Bruce, the man said, "Good day,
my man. I'm Peregrine Fotheringay, the world famous
taxidermist here to collect a kangaroo for stuffing."
"Well, mate", replied Bigger Bruce, "ya's picked the right
place for `roos. Dere's thousands dat way and thousands dat
way. Dat's why me and me mate Bruce is out `ere. Lots of
roos."
"Splendid, my man. Begging your pardon sir, but I must be off
to get a kangaroo for stuffing."
Returning to his mate the smaller Bruce asked bigger Bruce,
"Well Bruce. Who was it?"
"Oh, some pomme taxi driver who got lost in the mist. But
don't ya worry mate, he's one of us."
Mike R
MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK
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Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 10:46:19 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dog Names <Suggestive>
What Not To Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy", I call mine "Sex".
Now Sex has been embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to get
his dog license, I told the clerk "I would like to have a license for
Sex". The clerk said "I'd like to have one too". Then I said "But he
is a dog". The clerk said " I don't care what he looks like". Then I
said "You don't understand, I have had Sex since I was 9 years old".
The clerk said "You must have had some young life!".
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for me and my husband and one
for Sex. He said "Every room is a place for sex". I said "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Me too".
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around and I told him "I planned to have Sex in the
contest". He told me "You should have sold tickets". I told him "You
don't understand, I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." and he called me a
sicko.
When my husband and I seperated, we went to court to fight the custody
of the dog. When I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married"
the Judge said "Me too". When I told him "After I was married, Sex
left me" the Judge said "Me too".
Last night, Sex ran away again and I spent hours looking around town
for him. A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the
alley at 4AM. I told him I was looking for Sex......My case comes up
next Friday.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 11:08:12 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Descriptions my internet girlfriend
The 10 most likely descriptions of my internet girlfriend
1. Bored,16 year old, national merit scholar, who keeps her 4.0 with 2hrs of
study a week. She's looking forward to her entry into CalTech next year to
begin her course work in Paleo-psychiatry.
2. Detroit, mother of 3, who's husband never quite got the hang of the
washing machine let alone her 486. Husband thinks she is writing recipes for
with cute little home management software package.
3. "SWFNSDDF 36 YOA, loves trivia games, long walks, candle light dinners,
allergic to cats, looking for a good SDWHBMNSDDF 35-45, not too tall, who at
least wants to be friends, and has direct access to the Internet"
4. 26 years old, never got the hang of social interactions, but thinks the
anonymity of the Internet, is a good thing, "You know, you just can't let
people get too close. First thing they do is come into your life and change
things around. Don't mess with my schedule, my emotions, or my stuff."
5. Trekky, RenFair follower, who not only has a helm and breastplate but has
the first 200 StarTrek episodes on video tape. Slightly overweight but fills
out the part of the Rat Killer's girl friend and wench at the Colorado
Renaissance Fair. Programmer at the National Weather Bureau, Boulder.
6. Has worked at the Bureau of Labor Statistics for 17 years, commutes to
Bethesda with her laptop writting to pass the time. Lives near her folks and
has finally reached an age where she no longer has to explain to them why she
has not married a doctor. Loves single malt Scotch, Oban and Abaloure are her
favorites.
7. Massage Therapist, who got a computer because her boyfriend said she could
keep her records on it only to find it was too much trouble. Dropped the guy,
and met up with a woman who trades massages for car repairs. Got connected to
Compuserve on a promotional and found she enjoys NetSurfing. Now lives with
her mechanic and laughs a lot.
8. 41, college professor, married to a lawyer, and has nothing to talk about
with her husband any more. Too tired and set to leave and too proud to say it
was a mistake.
9. Dancer, oh, she has a day job, something to do with chemistry at OSU, but
she is a dancer. She will be going to Elkin's for Contra Dance Week for her
10th year this summer. Has been taking fiddle lessons and plays with the Ohio
Valley ContraBand every 3rd Saturday at the KofC Hall. Still looking for Mr.
Right, but he has got to be a dancer.
10. Somewhere on Alaska's Inside Passage, her boat "The Hacker" floats at the
dock of a small harbor. 47' single mast, she has 37,000 nautical miles under
her keel. This time of year you can only hang below decks, keep the stove hot
for tea and continue the never-ending repairs a boat requires. "Come Spring
its South again," she writes. "For two years, Alaska has been a fun time of
fjords and whales, friends visiting and long loving motorings up the
channels. But, sailing, thats what "The Hacker" was designed for. Get to the
South, get outside, to where the wind gets in your hair and up your shirt,
the sea takes you to her bosom and says, 'I am not dangerous, only
unforgiving'. It's good to have a job that requires only brains, time, no
distractions, and a Short Wave Modem." She puts down her mouse, picks up her
concertina, and begins to sing the last verse of Fiddler's Green, "I don't
need a harp, not a halo, not me. Just give me a breeze and a good rolling
sea. And I'll play my old squeeze box as we roll along, with the wind in the
riggin' to sing me a song."
written by John Roby
john_roby@biad23.uthscsa.edu
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 12:13:18 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Kitty Litter Box <off. to animal lovers>
When I was a kid I adopted a stray cat. I couldn't afford Kitty Litter
so I filled a cardboard box with dirt and kept it on the screened porch
at the back of the house. We had mostly dirt in our back yard and the
whole world is made out of dirt but that stubborn cat would scratch and
meow at the screen door so it could get inside to use the box of dirt.
We went on vacation for two weeks, took the cat, but forgot to take the
box of dirt. When we got back, the cat looked like a football and
could hardly walk. I don't know how to describe what happened when it
got to the box of dirt. Have you ever blown up a balloon and have it
slip out of your fingers before you could tie a knot in the neck?
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 14:11:13 -0500
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
I commanded a submarine in Her Majesty's Navy during the last World War,
and had at least one secret mission. The famous spy Harry Lime, the
celebrated Third Man, had developed a sudden and severe case of
astigmatism--and many of his espionage activities forbade dependence on
spectacles.
At that time only one visionary in the world was working on the
development of a practical contact lens: a specialist at Sir Walter Reed
Hospital in America. I was ordered to convey Lime the in utmost secrecy,
then fetch him home again. Lime was an excellent actor, of course, but I
began to suspect that there was nothing at all wrong with his vision. I
learned that he had an old girlfriend who lived twenty miles for the the
hospital. So I called him into my cabin.
"I can't prove a thing against you," I said, "but I'm ordering
you to directly from the sub, Lime, to the Reed oculist."
--Gentleman John Killian--
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Date: Sat, 25 Feb 1995 15:11:30 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: There Oughta Be a Law
I found the following bit of humor in the March 1995 _Reader's Digest_.
Do any of you have laws you'd like to add to the list?
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
By Richard Johnson
It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really
get on our nerves. For instance, "there oughta be a law" to protect
citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully
reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I
propose that we start passing some much-needed legislation to crack
down on the following offenses:
RESISTING A REST: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a
theater or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room
visits and leg-stretching.
EUPHONIOUS ASSAULT: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so
the next driver is blasted into the back seat.
LANE SHARKING: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the
adjacent space is rendered useless.
COFFEE-RIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too
quick to bring your bill at the end of a meal.
VIOLATION OF INDIVIDUAL SWIVEL RIGHTS: Rotating a circular merchandise
rack while another shopper is browsing on the other side.
BREAKING AND EXITING: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of pancake
syrup while in an empty grocery-store aisle.
SORRY I MISSED HIM'MEANOR: Intentionally returning unwanted phone
calls when you know the party who called will be out.
KIDYAPPING: Failure to get off the subject of your children.
POLY-GAMEY: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a
tennis tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of
rapid-fire, remote-control channel surfing.
LABOR FRAUD: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing
for campaign photographs.
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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Feb 1995 to 25 Feb 1995
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