Topics of the day:
1. Jewish Cowgirl's Wedding Night <Off. Jewish Cowgirls>
2. 4 Lessons On How To Be A Manly Man >off to Rednecks!<
3. masturbation comment (slightly off.)
4. airline acronyms
5. Weird News: Lawyer Bashing
6. Hair joke <off to midgets>
7. Alexander's tomb discovered
8. 2/1/95
9. skunk
10. MORE penis removal (OFFENSIVE!)
11. Instructing the Eldest Son <Off. Baptists, Catholics, Methodists>
12. O. J. Limericks
13. Windows 95
14. A Large Problem (Risque)
15. Reasons I want to be a journalist
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 23:53:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Jewish Cowgirl's Wedding Night <Off. Jewish Cowgirls>
Q: What does a Jewish cowgirl say on her wedding night?
...
(Sung to the tune of the old TV show Bonanza)
A: Get it up, Get it in, Get it out, Dont mess my hair uppp!
Origin: This is one of a series of jokes told this past Christmas by
friends and family of Mona Claypoole of Infinite Technologies
(mona@infinite.ihub.com) and related to subscribers of the Infinite Joke
List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com - email with subject "SUBSCRIBE" without
quotes).
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 01:53:23 -0500
From: Tim Abicht <TimAbicht@AOL.COM>
Subject: 4 Lessons On How To Be A Manly Man >off to Rednecks!<
And now, another addition of How to be Manly... Today: Lesson
2039.
Well, it's Friday night and once again, that can mean only one thing - a
visit to your favorite drinking establishment to try and find a woman in
search of manly gratification.
Three hours after you have arrived, you are howling drunk and are still
alone, when through the haze of the twelve drinks that you have consumed, you
notice a young lady trying to make conversation with you. However something
is amiss here, at first you thought that perhaps this young lady was wearing
some sort of mask as a joke, but upon closer examination, you discover that
she has simply one of the largest noses that you have seen on any human
being. "Good Heavens!" you say to yourself. "I'll bet she never has to use
her hands to open a door!" You decide you want to thwart her advances, but
how can this be accomplished in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 2673 and repeat after me:
1. "Jumpin' Jehosaphat! Are you a coke dealer's dream or what?"
2. "Would you mind standing on the roof? I'd like to see which way the
wind is blowing."
3. "Say toots, is that your nose, or is your face doing a Johnny Wadd
impression?"
Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you
suddenly appear to be her twin brother when a beer bottle is shoved up each
of your nostrils, you can be rest assured that she will have no doubts as to
what kind of man you really are.
Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
And now another addition of How to be Manly... Today: Lesson
4567.
Hot diggedy and Shazam! It's Saturday afternoon and that can mean only
one thing, it's time to go to your local airport for your weekly flying
lesson. That's right. For the last three months, you've been taking flying
lessons making you one of the absolute manliest of manly men on your block.
You not only truly enjoy the craft of flying, but you also enjoy the manly
friendship you have developed with Scott, your flight instructor. Yes indeed,
you two have hours of fun telling airplane stories and exchanging jokes about
the sex lives of farm animals. However as you arrive at your flight school,
you are informed that Scott is ill today and you will be instructed by a
substitute instructor. "Oh well," you say to yourself, "at least I still get
to fly." So you bound out to your waiting airplane only to be frozen in your
tracks when you discover that your flight instructor is no less than a tall,
slender, brunnette flying goddess.
Your chin is scraping along the runway as you approach her. You decide
that this aviatress would appreciate a dose of your manliness, but how can
this be accomplished in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 4556 and repeat after me:
1. "Uh, oh! UH, OH! I think I feel my landing gear extending!"
2. "Say, yummy-britches. How about you sit on my lap and I'll fly
through some turbulence?"
3. "Let's play Amelia Aerhart. You be Amelia and I'll watch you go
*down*."
Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and two seconds
later, when you find it very difficult to fly an airplane, after your hands
have been shoved into a rotating propellor blade, you can rest assured that
the young flight instuctor will have no doubts as to what kind of man you
really are.
Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly and, Good Day!"
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
And now, another addition of How to be Manly... Today: Lesson
2864.
Well, hot diggedy, it's Sunday afternoon. One of your favorite days of
the week where you do nothing but sit around all day drinking copious amount
of beer and passing wind as you watch your favorite sport on TV. However,
this week, your wife has different ideas. She insists that you accompany her
to the local colloseum to attend a (dare I say it) *dog* show. Normally this
would be a most manly activity if this was a show featuring dogs retrieving
innocent ducks that have been blown out of the sky or perhaps a cat chasing
contest.
But No! This show has such things as little tooty-fruity French poodles
with little pink ribbons in their hair and small Pomeraneans that look like
exploded fur-balls. Since you are married, you naturally have no say-so
whatsoever as to whether you attend the show or not. So, once you have
arrived, you need to show your displeasure. But how can this be accomplished
in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 2456 and repeat after me:
1. "Mmmm...Mmmmmm, honey. This place smells just like your home
cookin'."
2. "Gee, too bad your mother didn't come with us, she could have taken
first prize."
3. "Golly! I haven't seen this many bitches in one place since all of
your sisters came to visit!"
Use any of the above phrases in just a situation and for the next month
as you notice that not only does her cooking smell like a dog show, it
mysteriously tastes like one too. You can rest assured that your wife will
have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are.
Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day!"
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
And now another addition of How to be Manly... Today: Lesson
4836
Well, it appears that your Saturday afternoon watching pro-wrestling has
been ruined. This morning, when you woke up, at 1pm, your wife informed you
that your refrigerator has broken down yet again. "That does it!" you say.
It's alright to have the wife go out and get takeout meals to bring home for
dinner, but what's unbearable is the fact that now you won't have any cold
beer to drink while you watch your favorite shows on TV. So it's off to the
appliance store to buy a new fridge. You cautiously check to make sure that
no one sees you entering the appliance store, for purchasing a new ice box
straddles the fine line between manly and unmanly activities. However, when
you discover that your salesperson is a most highly attractive, buxom, young
woman, you decide that you will be able to assert your manliness after all.
But how can this be accomplished in a manly manner?
Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 4521 and repeat after me:
1. "Say toots, how'd you like to show me where I can store my sausage?"
2. "My wife told me I could get a new box, and she told me to get a new
refrigerator while I was at it."
3. "Hey Hey Hey! I'd sure like to pop a cucumber in your crisper."
Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and as the female
salesperson demonstrates just how well their deluxe deep freeze will hold
your entire body, you can rest assured that she will have no doubts as to
what kind of many you really are.
Until next time this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day!"
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 23:09:00 PST
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: masturbation comment (slightly off.)
Sub: Yet another Washington scandal
HOT FLASH!
>>>House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced at a press conference
today that up to 25% of President Clinton's cabinet and staff
appointees have masturbated at some time during their public service
careers. When pressed for his sources, Gingrich cited unnamed
undercover operatives hired by the Republican National Committee.
He also acknowledged the use of surveillance equipment placed in White
House washrooms at the request of a special House oversight committee.
Rep. Gingrich said that subpoenas were being prepared for the accused
Democrats, and he also called for a joint FBI/NEA investigation to
identify the persons who taught them how to masturbate, and to determine
whether federal funds were involved.
The White House press office responded in a prepared statement. In it
the President dismissed the allegations of Rep. Gingrich: "Our staff
members must pass very stiff credential checks. If I became aware of
moral depravity in any of these individuals, I would personally see to
it that they were yanked." The President was also quoted as saying "I
tried masturbation once during my youth, but I did not climax."
<<<
Thanks to Murray Levin
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
=END=
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 10:05:02 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: airline acronyms
This one was sent to me:
On Tue, 31 Jan 1995 HOLDEND@tc.gc.ca wrote:
> I love these. I've got one you may not have heard of:
> BWIA - Better Walk If Able (British West Indies Airlines)
> -Dave Holden
ariel
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 08:28:05 -0500
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Weird News: Lawyer Bashing
From the Daily Collegian:
Stockholm, Sweden -- A convicted killer barred from taping his trial beat up
his two defense attorneys with a tape recorder yesterday, briefly halting
the trial.
John Asonius, 41, was overpowered by guards and dragged from court as his
public attorneys wiped blood from their foreheads, the news agency TT said.
The proceedings resumed hours later, with the attorneys sitting farther away.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 11:28:42 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hair joke <off to midgets>
What remark is excessively gross? A midget telling you your hair
smells nice.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 12:12:35 -0500
From: MikGreene@AOL.COM
Subject: Alexander's tomb discovered
This morning's paper had an article that detailed the discovery of Alexander
the Great's tomb. Evidently, among the artifacts uncovered is a piece
written in Greek that says that the author buried Alexander's body at the
site. The tablet is supposed to be signed by Ptolemy.
Alexander is believed to have achieved his conquests because he was able to
synchronize his army during an attack. It was a major tatical advantage to
be able to have men arrive at designated locations at a specific time. They
think the way he achieved this is through the use of a cloth that was wrapped
around a warrior's arm. The cloth was soaked in a photosensitive chemical.
The chemical, when exposed to sunlight, would change color over time.
You probably remember the cloth as Alexander's Ragtime Band.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 08:52:59 EST
From: Greg Moleski <moleskig@CCMAIL.NHQ.SONY.COM>
Subject: 2/1/95
Top Ten Ways To Tell It's Time To Buy A New Car
(Amish, midget clowns)
10. You have to push in the cigarette lighter to start it
9. Seat belts got up and left all by themselves
8. It's cheaper than continually buying new fire extinguishers
7. You have to pull out the cigarette lighter to stop it
6. AAA won't return your phone calls
5. Ralph Nader shows up in your driveway with a tow truck
4. The wiper blades have completely ground down the windshield
3. After you park and get out, twelve midget clowns get out right behind you
2. You're using the illuminated dashboard idiot lights for heat
1. Amish people laugh as they pass
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 13:27:23 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: skunk
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLIND SKUNK WHO TRIED TO RAPE A FART?!?!?!?!
AMY :)=
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 17:55:49 -0500
From: Will Pierce <Piercew@AOL.COM>
Subject: MORE penis removal (OFFENSIVE!)
Ok, here s 50 more, but first, another graffiti idea (this actually
happened):
Find a Virginia licence plate. Put opaque tape over the letters IA .
OK. Here. But first the standard disclaimers.
NOTE TO READERS WHO HAPPEN TO BE MEMBERS OF THE BOBBIT FAMILY (OR READERS WHO
HAPPEN TO BE SADISTIC, CRUEL PEOPLE WITH ACCESS TO ANY IMPLEMENTS LISTED
HERE): DO NOT PUT ANY OF THESE TECHNIQUES INTO PRACTICE UNLESS YOU REALLY
WANT TO, AND YOU DON T INVOLVE ME.
NOTE: IF ANY ITEM ON THIS LIST MAKES YOU CONSIDER SUING ME, MY REAL NAMES ARE
BOB FLOOGERMAN, LIVING SOMEWHERE ON A DESOLATE ISLAND OFF THE COAST OF
ANTARCTICA, AND DAN-WANG-SAM-YUNG-SUM TOE-MEE-GIE-GEE-JEE-CHEE-CHEE-SAN,
LIVING SOMEWHERE IN OTTUMWA, IOWA.
NOTE ON THE NAMES: THEY ARE BULLSHIT.
1. Ax
2. One of those things schools use to hack paper (with the bars on the side)
3. Invent a fax machine that faxes the ORIGINAL object (imagine the lucky guy
who gets hit in the face with it at 40 MPH as it flies from his machine.)
4. Machete
5. Garbage disposal
6. Hire the U.S. Army, Air Force, or Navy
7. Apple peeler/corer
8. Crane
9. Crazed birds
10. Pitch fork
11. Cherry pitter
12. Fish-hooks
13. Frostbite or hypothermia
14. Zipper
15. Veg-O-Matic
16. Bike chain
17. Toilet plunger
18. Drag across corrugated steel fence
19. Golf club
20. Hockey stick
21. Dental floss
22. Spiked protective cup
23. Toilet (flush it)
24. Anchor
25. Tie to another penis and pull
26. Meat cleaver
27. Cotton gin
28. Paring knife
29. Filet knife
30. Cheese grater
31. Factory accident featuring grinding gears
32. Cheese press
33. Red hot poker
34. Flame thrower
35. Pins
36. Tactical nuclear weapons
37. Tie to bedpost in the morning (the victim, half asleep, won t notice
until he s sitting down on the toilet and the thing flies off)
38. Fire ants
39. Cut it most of the way off, show the guy a playboy. When he s
masturbating, he ll pull it off himself.
40. Jet intake
41. Inflate and pop
42. Nail the guy to a wall by his penis
43. Horse whip
44. Hook him up with a whore with blades on her reproductive organ.
45. Leprosy
46. Tire iron
47. Stick in bike spokes and ride
48. Intense stream of water
49. Radiation
50. Ice pick
More if you ask for them. I can t promise 50 at a time, though (this is
getting no pun intended hard).
------Will Pierce
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 18:19:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Instructing the Eldest Son <Off. Baptists, Catholics, Methodists>
A man comes home to his family to tell them he has some bad news. He
proceeds to tell them he must take a long journey and puts his eldest son
in charge of the family. He tells his son how to take care of the animals
and the crops and the food supply. Then goes on to explain how to deal
with certain types of situations. The last situation was of visitors to
the home. He said if the Baptist minister comes, hide the food. If the
Catholic priest comes hide the wine. If the Methodist minister comes sit
on your mother's lap.
Origin: This the last of a series of jokes told this past Christmas by
friends and family of Mona Claypoole of Infinite Technologies
(mona@infinite.ihub.com) and related to subscribers of the Infinite Joke
List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com - email with subject "SUBSCRIBE" without
quotes).
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 19:07:43 -0500
From: Victor H <VICTAH@AOL.COM>
Subject: O. J. Limericks
My 13-year-old son wrote these limericks and I thought to share them with
you:
There once was a man named Simpson
Who liked to wear the color crimson.
He killed his ex-wife
With a big, dirty knife.
Now there's no more Mrs. O.J. Simpson.
Nichole's house the police did raid,
His friends all came to his aid.
The cops think he did it.
The road, he did hit it.
He was in a highway parade.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 18:03:51 CDT
From: BK Rogers <bkr@BEEKER.PPCO.COM>
Subject: Windows 95
Just heard why Microsoft changed the name of 'Chicago' to 'Windows 95'...
City of Chicago was planning to sue.
BK Rogers
Internet: bkr@beeker.ppco.com Phillips Petroleum Company Telecommunications
Compuserv: 75140,2366 Bartlesville, OK 74004
Voice Mail: (918) 661-1986 Fax: (918) 661-3720
Sign: Libra
Just one of the WANamaniacs
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 20:33:30 -0500
From: Ken Hall <RINGO21@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: A Large Problem (Risque)
A nervous young man walked up to a pharmacist and after checking
to make sure no one was within earshot, he leaned over the counter
and said, "Sir, I have a really embarrassing problem. I've got an
erection and I can't get rid of it. What can you give me for it?".
The pharmacist looked puzzled and asked, "How long have you have
this erection?". The man said, "A little over six weeks and
nothing - not even wild sex - makes it go down." Again the
pharmacist looked puzzled and said, "Well, I'm not sure, but let
me make a few phone calls." The young man waited patiently but he
could hear the pharmacist dialing several numbers and gathering
information from each. Finally, he returned and said, "Well, I've
got it. I can give you fifteen thousand in cash, a two year old
pick-up truck and a second mortgage on the drug store!".
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 22:02:41 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Reasons I want to be a journalist
Reasons I want to be a journalist
1. Free black hair-dye
2. From now on, I want to be paid to watch the superbowl
3. I'm naturally attracted to suits & trenchcoats
4. I hate O.J.
5. I want to be a news director so I can decide to run only stories that
begin with letter "c"
6. Information superhighway is over-rated
7. Chroma key!!
8. I, like, enjoy writing, y'know?
9. It'll be easier to stalk Peter Jennings
10. Broadcast "this"
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Jan 1995 to 1 Feb 1995
***********************************************