Topics of the day:
1. sex lecture
2. Limericks <gross, offensive to oboists ;-> ? , naughty>
3. ROW ROW ROW THE BOAT....
4. Confucous Jokes <off to Confu
5. Leaky roof
6. Ants <Off to clerics, crude>
7. HUMOR Digest - 30 May 1995 to 31 May 1995
8. Humor: The Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test...(Off to Arkansasians?)..
9. Indian joke <offensive>
10. Not guilty <adult themes>
11. offensive to rednecks
12. How to Attend a Meeting (4 of 5)
13. Patos, Patas, y Picos (Can't for life of me imagine anyone this would
offend :-> )
14. I need worms! <off. children, crude>
15. Life 8.5
16. The Procrastinator's Creed
17. nation of Barbie dolls <not off>
18. Butter Buying
19. Quayle quotes <offensive to D. Qualye>
20. 2 Kentucky Jokes(off. to people in Kentucky)
21. SLUGGO press release <political>
22. Offensive to the Irish
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:13:20 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: sex lecture
Date: 5/31/95
fROM: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: sex lecture
A psychologist was giving a lecture on sex. He asks the audience
for a show of hands. How many of you have sex nightly? A small
percent raise their hands. How many of you have sex once a week?
A lot more hands go up. Once a month? Many hands go up, almost
the whole auditorium. Finally, he says, once a year? One man
in the back jumps up shouting: Me, Me.
The psychologist asks the man why he is so happy. The man replied:
"Because tonight is the night."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 22:57:24 -0600
From: Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU>
Subject: Limericks <gross, offensive to oboists ;-> ? , naughty>
There was a young woman named Cager,
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quintet in F Major.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor doggie a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own!
------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1915 12:05:00 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: ROW ROW ROW THE BOAT....
=========SIS.LIMIT MAY BE UPPER CASE=========
ONE DAY,ON A SLAVES ROWBOAT,THE SKIPPER SAYS TO THE SLAVES
"I HAVE TWO MESSAGES FOR YOU TODAY,ONE GOOD AND ONE BAD,
THE GOOD ONE IS THAT YOU'LL GET TWO DISHES OF POTATO IN LUNCH,
THE BAD ONE IS THAT THE CAPTAIN IS GOING TO DO WATER SKIING AFTER LUNCH."
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 05:42:24 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: Confucous Jokes <off to Confu
OFFENSIVE to Followers of Confucios -
===================
CONFUCIOUS JOKES
===================
Man who sells Kotex, crack salesman.
Blond girl have black hair by cracky.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Boy who plays with himself pulls boner.
Better to sleep with old hen than pullet.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Virgin like baloon: one prick, all gone.
Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Man who have titty in mouth make clean breast.
Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up.
Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth.
Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day.
Woman who slides down bannister makes monkey shine.
Woman who puts rooster in freezer have frozen cock.
Girl who goes to bed with detective must kiss dick.
Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Wife wo puts man in dog house may find him in cat house.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.
Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts; man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots.
Woman who springs on innerspring this spring gets offspring next spring.
Baby conceived on back seat of automobile with automatic transmission grow up
to be shiftless bastard.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 08:14:53 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Leaky roof
Don't ask why, but Bill's joke of yesterday from India about the
conclusion that the moon is more important reminded me of an old favorite:
A man was walking along--I think it was along a dirt road somewhere in
Appalachia--when a sudden thunderstorm came up. As it happened, he was
just passing someone's cabin, so he went to the door, asked whether he
could visit until the storm passed, and was invited in.
As the storm came on and progressed, the cabin's occupant put more and
more pans, cans, and kettles at various spots on the floor to catch leaks
from the roof. In fact, the traveler noticed as he looked up that he
could see light coming through in several places.
The traveler asked, "Ah, please don't think I mean to be critical, but I'm
just curious. Why don't you fix the roof?"
"Wal, cain't fix it when it's rainin'. When it ain't rainin' it don't
need fixin'.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 08:27:05 -0400
From: Bull Ryan <BullRyan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ants <Off to clerics, crude>
A little boy was sitting on the curb outside the church. As the Priest
approached, he heard the little boy saying, "Goddam ants. Goddam ants." The
priest looked closer & saw that the little boy was actually squshing ants as
he spoke.
The Priest said, "Son, what are you doing?"
"I'm squishing out these worthless, Goddam ants, Father," said the boy.
The Priest spoke, "Son, I don't believe the Lord made any of His
creations that didn't have a purpose in life. Look, if you can come back
tommorow and tell me 3 things that God made, I may just let you stay here &
keep squishing those ants."
The following day, the little boy was back sqinshing those same, "Goddam
ants. Goddam ants."
"Well, son, did you find 3 of God's creations that have no purpose," said
the Priest.
"Sure, Father," said the boy. "Nuns with tits, Priests with balls, and
these Goddam ants. Goddam ants."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 09:54:00 -0400
From: HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 30 May 1995 to 31 May 1995
The lifeguard on the beach at St. Tropez hauls out a lifeless
woman, a drowning victim. Seeing that resuscitation efforts would be
futile, he goes off to notify the authorities.
Along comes this Frenchman who sees the young woman lying on the beach;
he introduces himself, but the woman says nothing. He asks if she'd like
some company; the woman does not object.
Shortly, he mentions to her that this is a topless beach, and wouldn't
she be more comfortable that way? Hearing no objection, he slips off her
bra and then compliments her on her lovely, firm bosoms. He then puts his
arm around her, and the woman does not protest. In a short while, he's
got his hand into her bikini bottom, and she doesn't stop him there.
By the time the lifeguard comes back, the Frenchman in screwing the
now-naked woman right in the surf. He says, "Pardon, sir, but did you
know that this poor woman is dead?"
"My God! I thought she was British!"
-----------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 10:51:42 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: The Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test...(Off to Arkansasians?)..
Arkansas Public Law 676.23412
Effective December 10, 1992
Test # 1 Test # 3
------------------------- --------------------------
MR Ducks MR Farmers
MR Knot MR Knot
SAR SAR
CM Wangs CMMT Pockets
LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Farmers
Test # 2 Test # 4
------------------------- --------------------------
MR Snakes MR Mice
MR Knot MR Knot
SAR SAR
CM DBI's CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB
MR Snakes MR Mice
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 10:23:44 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Indian joke <offensive>
The young brave asks his father how they came up with the name for his
older brother. "Well, we thought that we'd name him after the first
animal we saw after he was born; that's why he's named Standing Bear."
"So, Dad, how did you come up with the name for my sister?"
"Well, the first animal we saw after she was born was a deer, that's why
we named her Running Deer."
"So, Dad, how did you come up with my name?"
"Well, Two Dogs Fucking, it was pretty much the same kind of thing..."
****************************************************************************
Jim "Already Been Scalped" Thorson
****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 11:31:39 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Not guilty <adult themes>
An older man had a young and attractive wife who was always pregnant.
Following the birth of their twentieth child, the husband decided it
wasn't fair keeping her pregnant all the time. After considerable soul-
searching, he began to consider committing suicide as a possible
solution. He went down into the basement, tied a rope around a ceiling
rafter, stood on a chair, tied the other end of the rope around his
neck and got ready to jump off and hang himself. Then he paused,
untied the rope, stepped down and said, "Wait a minute...I could be
hanging an innocent man!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 12:56:56 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: offensive to rednecks
You might be a redneck if..........
The state police are using your senior high school year-book for
a mugshot book.
Your wife asks if you are done cleaning the transmission from your
pickup truck and if so would you please get it out of the tub so
she can take a bath.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 12:16:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: How to Attend a Meeting (4 of 5)
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are
trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes
the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts
and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of
meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report
back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice
president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the
upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this:
"Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it
will plague Norm for the rest of his career).
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your
"input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is,
they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be
stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape
from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way
is to set fire to your tie.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that
you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president
of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a
sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president
of the company, or the Pope."
Origin: On 24 May 1995 at 11:39, Andy Franklin
(andy@ontos.mhs.compuserve.com) forwarded the above in one piece to the
Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com). According to Douglas Adams
(dadams@falcon.cc.ukans.edu), it is from Dave Barry's book, _Claw Your Way
to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a
Week_, with some cosmetic changes.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 11:14:50 -0600
From: Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU>
Subject: Patos, Patas,
y Picos (Can't for life of me imagine anyone this would offend :-> )
Translation and explanation provided below original.
En realidad, este chiste ha de ser comunicado verbalmente, pero dado que
no es posible aqui, les ofrezco la version escrita.
Pregunta: Hay tres patos metidos en un cajon. Cuantas patas y cunatos picos
hay en el cajon?
Respuesta: No seis y tres, como contestaba Yo al oir el chiste por
primera vez. La respuesta correcta es 4 patas y 2 picos, porque cuando se
cuenta el chiste en vez de escribirlo, es asi: "Hay tres patos. Meti' dos
en un cajon..."
==========================================================================
To really work, this joke has to be told, not written, but as that is not
possible here, I offer it in the written version.
Question: Three ducks are put <"metidos" past participle of "meter" = to
put, to place etc.> into a box. How many feet and how many beaks are in
the box?
Answer: Not 6 and 3 as I answered when I heard the joke for the first time,
but 4 feet and 2 beaks.
Reason--When spoken, the joke goes like this:" There are three ducks. I
put" < "meti'" 1st person singular past imperfect of "meter" > "two" <dos>
(which when run together with intent to deceive :-> comes out "metidos"
or put into) "into a box..."
That's all for now folks :->
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 10:52:00 PDT
From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: I need worms! <off. children, crude>
The joke about the cleric and the 'Goddam ants' reminded me of the
following:
A lady had a most insolent and pig-headed child named Tom. One day Tom threw
a tantrum and refused to eat anything. Breakfast time went by and Tom
remained starving. The lady decided to take Tom to the family doctor.
The good doctor, who had treated Tom since birth, tried to cajole Tom into
eating. All kinds of enticements ranging from ice-cream to apple pies to
chocolates were refused. "What DO you want to eat?" asked the good doctor in
exasperation. "Worms", said Tom. The lady started to admonish Tom, but the
good doctor said, "Wait here, while I go and get some worms". After a little
digging in the garden the good doctor returned with a plastic-bag full of
worms. "Are these what you want?" asked the good doctor. "I want them in a
plate", cried out Tom. "OK, OK", said the good doctor, hunted around for a
plate and placed the worms. "Now, eat them", said the good doctor. "I want
them fried" cried out Tom. The good doctor looked ready to burst a valve.
"Now Tommy ...", started the lady, but she was interrupted by the good
doctor. "OK, OK, OK", he said, started the stove, put on the frying pan and
fried them. A disgusting smell pervaded the room. "NOW, eat them", said the
good doctor. "You eat half first", said Tom, looking at the red-faced good
doctor. The good doctor pulled out a fork and knife, cut up the worms in
halves and proceeded to stuff them down his throat. As the good doctor laid
down the fork and knife, Tom began to cry "You ate my half. BAAAAAAW,
BAAAAAAW."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 11:56:48 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 8.5
Date: 4 May 92 16:30:18 PDT (Monday)
----------------------------------------------------
From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan)
What do the whales and the Toronto Maple Leafs have in common?
They both become confused when surrounded by ice.
THINK IT OVER
A shipwrecked sailor who had spent three years on a desert
island was overjoyed one day to see a ship drop anchor in the
bay. A small boat came ashore and an officer handed the
sailor a bunch of newspapers.
Officer: "The captain suggests that you read what's going on
in the world and then let us know if you want to be rescued."
Times are sure changing. I just saw an ad for "computers
just like mama used to program."
"Say, Dad," asked Junior, "how did Queen Elizabeth know she
was going to have a baby?"
Before father could reply, Junior's younger brother piped up
scornfully, "Well, she can read, can't she? It was in all the
papers."
Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby
brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring
at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie
looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he
come with batteries?"
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff from rec.humor.funny:
From: K.BISHOP@genie.com (Rick)
The US Post Office was having a hard time deciding on which
ELVIS stamp to issue so they've decided to issue both.
The young, thin ELVIS will be used for regular mail while the
old, fat ELVIS will be used for bulk mail.
The Post Office is already concerned about counterfeit ELVIS
stamps. They suspect that a lot of ELVIS impersonator stamps
will appear.
From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan)
Paul Tsongas, in response to Bill Clinton's escalating success, keeps
asking the voters to concentrate on his "economic message" and then
goes on to say that he will continue to campaign even if it leaves
him in debt. That's a good economic message right there.
**************************
From: wvenable@stats.adelaide.edu.au (Bill Venables)
Subject: The nub of the problem
A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell
among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him
dying by the wayside.
As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and
looking upon him were filled with pity and concern. Whereupon one
turned to the other and said
"The person who did this needs our help!"
**************************
From: GRAHAMA@BNR.CA (G.S.)
Subject: Here We Go A-Looting..
I heard this on CBC Radio news last night...
They were talking to people who were looting a record store in L.A.
"What did you get?"
"Gospel tapes, I LOVE Jesus."
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 13:26:13 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: The Procrastinator's Creed
The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work
or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that
the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the
work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget
about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-
Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever
get it organized.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 16:37:43 -0500
From: "Richard T. Linton" <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: nation of Barbie dolls <not off>
If the 900 million Barbies that have been produced since the 1950's formed
their own government, they would be the third largest nation in the world.
Should we be concerned?
____________________________________________________
Richard Linton Many pages make a thick book
HVAC&R Center except pocket bibles which
UW-Madison use very thin paper.
(608) 265-3008
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 18:06:38 -0400
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject: Butter Buying
Forwarded-by: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-By: ams@auspex-gw.auspex.com (Allan Schwartz)
Forwarded-By: lm@slovax.engr.sgi.com (Larry McVoy)
From: ma10005@cl.cam.ac.uk (Mohamad Afshar)
Newsgroups: biz.marketplace.international,alt.business.import-export,alt.agriculture.farm,alt.business.misc,ba.market.misc,biz.marketplace.international,alt.business.import-export,alt.agriculture.farm,biz.marketplace.international,biz.general
Subject: WANTED: BUTTER - 7,100 tons
Date: 28 May 1995 10:53:41 GMT
Organization: AMSL
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <3q9knl$pai@lyra.csx.cam.ac.uk>
Keywords: dairy produce
We require 7,100 tons (7,100,000 kg) of butter in prepackaged portions of
250 grams each. All in one box.
------------------------------------------------------
Details:
Wanted: Butter
Amount: 7,100,000 kg
Portions: 250 grams (prepackaged)
Delivery: C&F Iranian Port (Persian Gulf) or Tabriz
Settlement: L/C / Cash Bahrain.
------------------------------------------------------
Please forward a price indication, as soon as possible, inclusive of all
costs (including transportation) to:
Mohamad Afshar - ma10005@cl.cam.ac.uk
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: varun@netapp.com (Varun Mehta)
> We require 7,100 tons (7,100,000 kg) of butter in prepackaged portions
> of 250 grams each. All in one box.
...
> Delivery: C&F Iranian Port (Persian Gulf) or Tabriz
That would be a pretty big box. 250 gms of butter is about 60cc
so that comes to ~1700 cubic meters, which is approximately the
size of 25 semi-trailers.
Still, it's better to ship butter instead of guns to Iran. And now with
the current trade embargo on Iran, there's an unprecedented opportunity
for a Bosnia-Butter scandal.
The proceeds from a surreptitious butter deal with Iran can be used to
equip the embattled Muslims in Serbia. The Republican presidential
hopefuls have been clamouring for the arms embargo against the Serbian
Muslims to be lifted so we don't have to commit US troops to protect
them. All this recipe needs is a conservative colonel from the dairy
belt and we'll have all the ingredients for some amusing senate
hearings.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 17:39:20 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: Quayle quotes <offensive to D. Qualye>
With the '96 political season just around the corner,
it's time to dredge up some of my favorite
political quotes from ex-vice-president Quayle
(who apparently is not running due to lack of funding):
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is." -- at a United Negro College Fund mtg
"We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of
human rights."
"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be." -- to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle
pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman."
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never,
never surrender to what is right." -- In a speech to Christian Coalition
"I deserve respect for the things I did not do."
"This president is going to lead us out of this recovery."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"[The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of
aggression."
"The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought."
"People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own
hometowns."
"Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money
to cover losses due to mismanagement."
"Air travel efficiency would improve if more travelers started going to
less popular places."
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax
increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 20:20:40 -0400
From: Michael Law <mlaw@SENTEX.NET>
Subject: 2 Kentucky Jokes(off. to people in Kentucky)
A social worker was getting very stressed out near the end
of his career, and decided to retire early and buy a 400 acre
ranch in Kentucky. About a week after he had moved there,
his nearest neighbour came riding up on a horse and said:
"How'd ya like to come to a welcoming party at my place tonight?"
The man thought, and asked:
"What do you do at your party's around here?"
"We drink, we dance, then we have wild sex, all night."
"Sound's good, what time should I be there?"
"8's good"
The neighbour turned around to ride home, and the retiree asked:
"Oh, what do you wear to party's around here, should I dress up
or something?"
The neighbour thought for a second and replied:
"Don't matter much, just be the two of us anyways."
-------------------------------------------------------
A Question to ponder:
If a married couple from Kentucky moves to Canada, where
they get a divorce, are they still legally brother and
sister?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 20:12:48 -0400
From: Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO press release <political>
SLUGGO NEWS is a parody of daily international news.
DISCLAIMER:
Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines
is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be
offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual
disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism.
The Newsguy - Ikertes@aol.com
__________________________________________________
SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS - By The Newsguy v8
H I G H L I G H T S
1. (NORTH KOREA/U.S.) Top U.S. and North Korean negotiators,
clearly at odds over key issues and having exhausted all other
methods of negotiation, held more than three hours of fisticuffs
in an attempt to reach a quick deal on reshaping Pyongyang's
suspect nuclear program. The North Koreans had an advantage,
being better trained in hand-to-hand combat than the U.S.
officials. Fortunately U.S. ambassador-at-large Robert Gallucci
had the foresight to include a "ringer" among the U.S.
negotiators. American-Belgian actor Jean Claude Van-Dam took time
out from work on his new movie to sit in on the negotiations.
When the chow-mein hit the fan, Mr. Van-Dam was heels and fists
but despite his help, a solution toward the nuclear program
remains unseen. (GEUTERS - 28 SEP)
2. (RWANDA) In a sharp reversal of policy, the U.N. has stopped
encouraging Rwandan refugees to return and is refusing even to
assist those who wish to go home because of a report that the
new, Tutsi-dominated government in Rwanda has been processing
the returning refugees through a massive grinder and selling
the proceeds to Hormel, an American pseudo-meat manufacturer.
In response to the report, the U.S. Food an Drug Administration
conducted inspections at Hormel processing plants. The results
stated that Hormel's meat quality is still in compliance with
standards involving hotdog nutritional value. (SLUG - 27 SEP)
3. (UKRAINE/INDIA) Ukraine is considering signing an accord on
space cooperation with India to lessen its dependence on
neighboring Russia. The accord signed last week would give
Ukraine access to an Indian launch site near the Equator which
consists of a huge catapult designed to launch astronauts in to
orbit. India's success rate which now stands now at zero out of
sixty-seven launches is the only reservation Ukraine has in
signing the accord. -SLUG, 28 Sep-
CAPSULES
1. (GERMANY) Police in Berlin are on high alert after a report
that a Palestinian terrorist group is planning to attack Jewish
leaders, business and community centers. In anticipation of the
events, bleachers have been erected for optimum viewing in front
of synagogues and season ticket sales are reportedly
skyrocketing. -SQUAT, 28 Sep-
2. (MEXICO) Francisco Ruiz Massieu, Secretary-General of
Mexico's ruling party, the PRI, died Wednesday after being run
over by a steam-roller as he left a downtown hotel meeting with
party officials in Mexico City. At the request of his family,
his remains, which as a result of the accident formed a 4 foot
by 12 foot sheet, was crafted in to an attractive paper lamp by
Mexico's finest lamp-makers. (GEUTERS - 28 SEP)
3. (JAPAN) The United States and Japan failed yet again to make
peace on trade and the Clinton administration hinted at a "repeat
performance" that would make Hiroshima and Nagasaki seem like a
campfire unless it wins "real, substantial, concrete, tangible
agreements." (BLOATERS - 28 SEP)
4. (UKRAINE) Parliament in Ukraine's Crimean peninsula reduced
President Yuri Meshkov's duties as head of state, issuing him a
toothbrush and the title 'smegma-boy' in the latest blow of a
long running constitutional battle. -SLUG, 29 Sep-
Prepared by The Newsguy - Ikertes@aol.com
_________________________________________________________
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Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 20:44:52 CDT
From: Dana Goodrich <dgoodrich@METRO.MCCNEB.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to the Irish
Seen recently on Wordplay-L:
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
wake?
A: There's one less drunk at a wake.
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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 May 1995 to 1 Jun 1995
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