Topics of the day:
1. Some Excuses 2. humor : 'phone harassment : naive innocence? 3. Your Horoscope <mildly offensive to everyone> 4. HUMOR - A Few One-Liners <suggestive> 5. Cajun humor: Fishing with dynamite 6. Puppy love? <adult themes>
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 12:24:17 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL> Subject: Some Excuses
I think most of those excuses were already sent to HUMOR, but anyway... (Taken from the famous IFC collection.)
Need a GOOD excuse for not going out with that geek? Try these:
I'd love to, but...
3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 5 The man on television told me to say tuned. 13 There's a disturbance in the Force. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 42 It's too close to the turn of the century. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 83 I am observing a national apathy day
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 13:07:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA> Subject: humor : 'phone harassment : naive innocence?
"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?" "I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning." "Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
Enjoy,
Nico
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 14:48:00 +0100 From: ROBERT APPLETON <robert.appleton@SOL.KISS.DE> Subject: Your Horoscope <mildly offensive to everyone>
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are a Communist.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. Most people like you, as you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. In other words, you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
Cancer (6/21 - 7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off; that's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are just pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Libra (9/23 - 10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dopers. People laugh at you a great deal.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything; you are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long, as they take root and become trees.
=================================== robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 00:46:53 CST From: Michael Dudley <Michael_Dudley@CCMAIL.US.DELL.COM> Subject: HUMOR - A Few One-Liners <suggestive>
What's the difference between Hugh Grant and a camel? The camel doesn't pay for his humps.
Clinton normalized relations with Vietnam because he heard Poontang was the capital.
Kato Kaelin - proof that Gilligan and Ginger had sex.
The events of the past few weeks have motivated Crayola Crayons to announce a new color for their line of crayons - Divine Brown. - David Letterman
next.....
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 14:17:41 EDT From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU> Subject: Cajun humor: Fishing with dynamite
This Louisiana game warden had been keeping an eye on the fishing docks, when after about a week he noticed that ol' Boudreaux (pronounced bood-jrow) had been coming back every day with a boat full of fish. One day he starts to talk to Boudreaux as he's pulling his boat in. The warden says,'Boudreaux, I been watchin you. I notice every day dat you been comin' in width a full load of fish. You must be havin some good luck? Eh?" Boudreaux answers, "May yah, dems fish is easy to catch." The game warden replies, "Well listen. I got me a day off comin next Satrday. I was wondring, maybe I could go an fish width you?" Boudreaux replies, "May dat be no problem. Jus make shore you be here at dat 6 a.m. sharp. Cause I gona leave dis here dock width or witchout you." "May I'll be here, don't chu worry none about dat" answers the warden.
Saturday comes and the game warden is waiting at the dock when Boudreaux pulls up and puts his boat in the water. The game warden gets in and Boudreaux proceeds to drive the boat out to the middle of the lake. At this point, Boudreaux shuts off the engine and lets the boat glide to a stop. The game warden, who'd been curious anyway, says to Boudreaux, "May Boudreaux, I been lookin aroun dis boat, and I notice dat all you don brought was dis here ice-chest and dat little brown paper bag under your seat. May, you don't even got no fishin pole." Boudreaux answers, "May, dat be because dats all I need" And he proceeds to pull a stick of dynamite out of the brown paper bag, lights it, thows it in the water and watches it go boooom! All the fish in the area, being stunned, float to the top of the water.
The warden, by this time, can't believe his eyes. Half yelling, he says to Boudreaux, "May Boudreaux, I know we been knowin each udder for a long time, but man, you can't be doing dat, especially width me being a game warden n all. May, dat's agin de law in a big way dat is." Boudreaux, without say a word, calmly reaches down into the bag (with the warden still rattling off), pulls out a stick, lights it, hands it to the warden and says, "You gonna talk, or you gonna fish."
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 16:02:09 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Puppy love? <adult themes>
While swimming, a woman lost the bra portion of her swim suit. As she emerged from the water with her arms crossed over her breasts; a little boy ran up and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those two puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jul 1995 to 15 Jul 1995 ************************************************