Topics of the day:
1. HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.385 30Jun95 <long> 2. HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.385 23Jun95 (2 of 4) 3. 'Til Death Do Us Part 4. New Year's resolutions (non-offensive) 5. CHANGES 6. Bricklayer's insurance claim 7. Horticulture 8. Poultry farming <off. Indian poultry farmers, Indian bureaucrats> 9. You look terrible. (Slightly offensive). 10. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's 11. Poetic Paradox 12. Masters Degree 13. Jokes offensive to African-American 14. Business Ethics 15. A biology experiment 16. Political humor
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 00:03:00 +0400 From: Jay Paulson <jay@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA> Subject: HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.385 30Jun95 <long>
FORWARDED MESSAGE from NotW List Admin (notw-request@nine.org) at 7/14/95 8:03 AM
WEIRDNUZ.386 (News of the Weird, June 30, 1995) by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY
* In a May column, film critic Roger Ebert reported on the popular Japanese animated film, "Pompoko," which features a family of cute badger-like animals, but said the film would not likely be successful in America. The badgers' secret weapon is an ability to make their testicles grow large so that they can crush opponents. Said a Japanese film fan, "The Japanese are more open about bodily parts." He said kids in Japan find the secret weapon "hilarious." [Chicago Sun-Times, 5-23-95]
THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY
* Etta Stephens filed a lawsuit against Barnett Bank in Tampa, Fla., in May, seeking damages for the heart attack she suffered. She was stricken after opening her monthly statement to find, due to bank error, that her $20,000 money market account was empty. [USA Today, 5-24-95]
* In May, trial began in Toronto, Ontario, in the lawsuit by Toronto-Dominion Bank to recover $3.5 million from Edward Del Grande, who had borrowed for his businesses. Del Grande is countersuing for $30 million, saying the problem was that the bank had loaned him too much money. Del Grande charged that if the bank had been more prudent, his companies could have survived the down market in real estate. [Globe & Mail, 5-25-95]
* Recently, Chesapeake, Va., inmate Robert Lee Brock filed a $5 million lawsuit against Robert Lee Brock
* In June, the family of the late Bridgeport, Conn., radio station executive Jefferson Ketcham filed a lawsuit in connection with his recent death. The lawsuit charged Cobb's Mill Inn and its waiter Paul Kane with negligence because, when Kane drove the intoxicated Ketcham home from the bar as a favor, he merely let him out of the car and failed to accompany him into his house. Ketcham tripped on the front steps, hit his head, and died. [Greenwich Time, 6-10-95]
* Bob Glaser filed a $5.4 million lawsuit in March against the city of San Diego, Calif., for the "emotional trauma" he suffered at an Elton John-Billy Joel concert, held at a municipal stadium. Some women, thwarted by long lines for their rest room, had entered the men's room, and Glaser said he was "extremely upset" at the sight of a woman in front of him using a urinal. [San Francisco Examiner, 3-31-95]
* Tucson, Ariz., lawyer Howard Baldwin filed a lawsuit in February against the local electric company, charging that meter reader Chuck Leon literally frightened his poodle, Jasmine, to death. According to Baldwin, when Jasmine saw Leon in the back yard, she crashed into a glass door, "involuntarily urinated," then escaped out the rear gate. She was found dead the next day, allegedly of exhaustion. [Arizona Daily Star, 2-24- 95]
LITIGIOUS PRISONERS
* The attorneys general of New York and Minnesota recently announced their states' "top 10" lists of frivolous lawsuits. New York prisoners have filed lawsuits alleging a defective haircut by the prison barber, improper "white" towels instead of "beige," and an ice cream dessert that was largely melted. Minnesota inmates have filed lawsuits demanding damages for being provided an improper variety of beans on the menu, a lack of salsa, a surfeit of bologna, and underwear that was too tight ("cruel and unusual punishment"). One Minnesota inmate said his primary purpose in filing his lawsuit was "pure delight in spending taxpayers' money."[N. Y. Post, 6-13-95] [St. Paul Pioneer Press, 3-25-95]
* In Indiana, a soon-to-take-effect law will allow prison officials to deny good-time credit to prisoners who file frivolous lawsuits. Among Indiana's most frivolous pending lawsuits is one asking damages because meat and vegetables were served somewhat mixed together on a dinner plate. [USA Today, 5-12-95]
* In Idaho in April, three inmates filed a $10.7 million lawsuit against Cassia County because jail guards failed to give them late-night snacks. [USA Today, 4-24-95]
* A public employees' union in Ontario, among whose members are prison guards who staged a walkout in 1989, agreed in February to pay 11 hospitalized criminals $45,000 for their having been "inconvenienced" during the labor dispute. The leader of the 11, psychotic murderer Michael Krueger, got $2,250. [Edmonton Journal-Ottawa Citizen, 2-10-95]
CLICHES COME TO LIFE
* In Amarillo, Tex., in May, citizen Joe Brooks, spotting a man who was fleeing police officers in a public park, galloped after him on horseback and lassoed him. [Brownsville Herald-AP, 5- 26-95]
* Protective fathers of teenage daughters in the news: In October, according to police in Oshkosh, Wis., Thomas A. Hunt, 48, roughed up the boyfriend of his 15-year-old stepdaughter, wrapped him head-to-toe in duct tape, and abandoned him in a nearby town. And in Toronto, Ontario, in January, Desmond Kelley was sentenced to 15 months in jail for a 1993 incident in which he forced his daughter's boyfriend to leap from a fifth- floor balcony after catching the couple naked. [Milwaukee Sentinel, 11-9-94; Edmonton Journal-CP, 1-28-95]
* In December Jack Horkheimer, who is host of a public television astronomy show and who ends each show urging viewers to "keep looking up" at the stars, broke four toes in his left foot when he misstepped on a deck one night while watching the star Canopus. [Orlando Sentinel, 1-11-95]
Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved. Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use may be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 00:04:00 +0400 From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA> Subject: HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.385 23Jun95 (2 of 4)
WEIRDNUZ.385 (News of the Weird, June 23, 1995) (Part 2 of 4) by Chuck Shepherd
* In March one Japanese company introduced "odor-eater" underwear containing a substance that stops the growth of certain bacteria, and in April another Japanese company introduced pre- odorized underwear
* In May, the New York Times ran a routine classified ad placed by Russian-born Victor Rylkov, announcing that he had for sale a genuine Russian space shuttle, the Buran. According to a follow- up story in the New York Post, Rylkov said he and his partner, the Molniya aerospace company, actually had two and were asking $5-$10 million each. Said Rylkov, "A lot of things are for sale in today's Russia if you've got the right people working for you." [New York Post, 6-1-95]
* A firm called UltraTech Products of Houston, Tex., is offering the TooT TrappeR Chair Cushion, a foam cushion with a "superactivated carbon filter," which supposedly absorbs passed gas before it can escape ($29.95 plus shipping). [Chicago Tribune, 9-5-94]
* Among the crime-protection products now available by mail are Dyewitness, a canister of green foam that will make an assailant (or anyone else) foam up to look like a Chia Pet, and Rapel, a foul-smelling liquid that victims spray on themselves so as to be unbearable. [The Oregonian, 2-28-95]
Origin: Posted in one piece to Humor Mailing List <humor-l@cornell.edu> by its owner Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU> on Sat, 8 Jul 1995 19:06:09 -0400 (EDT). Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved. Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use may be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird. Split to comply with HUMOR's rules.
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 22:34:09 -1000 From: Bob Engelbardt <bobengel@ALOHA.COM> Subject: 'Til Death Do Us Part
A woman comes home from the doctor to tell her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. "That's terrible," said her husband, "what would you like to do during your last hours?"
"Well," she said, "first I want to take a long walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long!"
"Gee," said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I have to get up in the morning and you don't"
Bob Engelbardt Kailua, Hawaii bobengel@aloha.com
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 04:41:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> Subject: New Year's resolutions (non-offensive)
From: JOKEMASTER "MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS - 1995 Edition"
Resolution #1 1992: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 1993: I will not leave Marge. 1994: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 1995: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Resolution #2 1992: I will stop looking at other women. 1993: I will not get involved with Wanda. 1994: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 1995: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #3 1992: I will not let my boss push me around. 1993: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 1994: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 1995: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Resolution #4 1992: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 1993: I will read at least 10 books a year. 1994: I will read 5 books a year. 1995: I will finish "MS DOS 2.0 Made Easy."
Resolution #5 1992: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 1993: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 1994: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 1995: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.
Resolution #6 1992: I will get my weight down below 180. 1993: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 1994: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 1995: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Resolution #7 1992: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 1993: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 1994: I will not become a "problem drinker". 1995: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Resolution #8 1992: I will not spend my money frivolously. 1993: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 1994: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 1995: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2001.
Resolution #9 1992: I will see my dentist this year. 1993: I will have my cavities filled this year. 1994: I will have my root canal work done this year. 1995: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Resolution #10 1992: I will go to church every Sunday. 1993: I will go to church as often as possible. 1994: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 1995: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
Resolution #11 1992: I will spend more time with my children. 1993: I will try to remember my children's names. 1994: I will bail my kids out of jail more quickly. 1995: I will try to find my kids.
Resolution #12 1992: I will upgrade my XT computer. 1993: I will find programs which still run on my XT computer. 1994: I will not be frustrated with my XT computer. 1995: I will buy a computer to replace my destroyed XT computer.
Thanks Ken Ellis [He never met a resolution he couldn't break]
Jack Kolb: IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 07:35:36 -0400 From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET> Subject: CHANGES
I remember this...
We were before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Zerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the Pill. We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball-point pens. We were before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, and automatic shift. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be!
In our time closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of." Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. We thought a deep cleavage was something a butcher did. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along well with your cousin. We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and Outer Space was the balcony at the local theater. We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and commuter marriages. We were before day-care centers, group therapy, and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, computer chips, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings. We'd have thought ERA and JFK, DOT and LUD were lovers' initials lettered on a school jacket or in a slam book.
We hit the scene when there were 5-and-10 cent stores where you bought things for five and ten cents. The ice cream store sold ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could make a phone call, buy a Coke or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards, and mail was delivered twice a day. You could buy a new Chevy coupe for $590., but who could afford one? And a pity, too, because gas was only 10 cents a gallon!
In our day cigarette smoking was fashionable, Grass was moved, Coke was a cold drink at the corner drug store, and Pot was something you cooked in. Break dancing was something Charlie Henderson played for in the gym at the lunch period. Rock music was a Grandma's lullaby, and Aids were helpers in the cafeteria.
"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times," wrote Charles Dickens in A TALE OF TWO CITIES.
We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change. We made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.
But.....we survived!
Thanks to Nancy Carson <nancy.carson@f1571.n363.z1.fidonet.org>
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 15:02:53 +0100 From: Mark Mostert <MARKMOST@L.KTH.SE> Subject: Bricklayer's insurance claim
I'm not sure if this has been posted to the list previously, if it has - my apologies, if not - enjoy !!
And you thought you were having a bad day.....
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 09:11:53 -0400 From: George Olson <GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET> Subject: Horticulture
You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 07:44:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM> Subject: Poultry farming <off. Indian poultry farmers, Indian bureaucrats>
There was once a poultry farmer in Punjab. He had just diversified into poultry from wheat etc. He had to take a government loan (at a subsidised rate) to start up the farm. To ensure that the loan was not a write-off and that it's assets were still worth something, the government sent a loan supervisor to the farmer. Upon arrival, the farmer took him around the farm. The supervisor was very impressed. He said, "You seem to have taken good care of your chicken. They seem very, very healthy. So, what do you feed them"? The farmer replied, "Oh, I spare no expenses. I only feed them seasonal fruits - mangoes in summer, apples in winter, ...". Before he could complete the diet, the supervisor jumped up and exclaimed, "How dare you feed mere chickens such good food. Half of India does not have money for a square meal a day, and you dare to feed your chickens seasonal fruits"? He handed the farmer a fine of Rs. 10,000. The farmer was taken aback, but paid the fine. Next month, another supervisor came to the farmer (the government circulates these supervisors so that there is no chance of corruption). Again, the farmer took him around the farm. The supervisor was equally impressed. He asked the farmer, "You seem to have taken good care of your chicken. They seem so healthy. So, What do you feed them"? The farmer replied, "Well, I don't feed them anything in particular. I just let them loose at the garbage dump. They eat whatever s**t they get". The supervisor jumped up and exclaimed, "What? You feed them garbage? And you have given me 2 of them as a 'gift'? How dare you"! With that he handed the farmer a fine of Rs. 20,000. The farmer quietly paid the fine. Next month, still another supervisor came to the farmer. Again, the farmer took him around the farm. The supervisor was also impressed. He asked the farmer, "You seem to have taken good care of your chicken. They seem very very healthy. So, what do you feed them"? The farmer replied, "I don't feed them. I just give each of them Rs. 5 and they get whatever they want at the market". (When I heard this joke the only image that came to mind was - each chicken, Rs 5 under wing, going clucking to the market ...)
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 08:57:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM> Subject: You look terrible. (Slightly offensive).
This guy goes to work feeling on top of the world and a friend asks him, "You feel ok? You look TERRIBLE!" "Never felt better," he says. This goes on all day, everyone he sees tells him how bad he looks. Finally he had enough so he goes to the doctor and describes these events.
"Well," says the doctor, "I've never heard of this before, I'll have to look this one up..." The doctor grabs the medical books and starts going through the pages. "Looks bad, feels bad. Nope that's not it..." "Looks good, feels bad. Nope." "AHA! Looks bad, feels good!" After reading the diagnosis the doctor explains, "There's nothing wrong with you, you're a vagina".
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 12:24:31 -0400 From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
Time-Travel Blues
You've heard of every kind of blues there is, I hear you say? Well, I', leavin' here tomorrow...and I just got back back today. I got the time-travel blues, look at the mess I'm in. I'm sad for what the past will be...and what the future hasn't been.
I longed to know the future, like the Oracle of Delphi An then this cat knocked on my door: Goddam, it was myself! I got the time-travel blues, since I met myself comin' in; I'd tell you all about it...but where the hell do I begin?
He said that I was going to invent a time machine
I cranked it up, it blew right up, and then and there I died. I wonder who that joker was, and why the bastard lied... Got the time-travel blues: one of my life's most awful shocks Now I could use a doctor: in fact, I need a paradox
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 13:24:23 -0400 From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: Poetic Paradox
This is part of a humerous ditty that was popular when I was a lad, before the Earth cooled. Aren't there other lines? How does the "truck" line fit in?
One dark day in the middle of the night Two dead boys began to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other. ... If you don't believe this story is true; ask the blind man; he saw it, too. He lives on the corner in the middle of the block in a two-story house on a vacant lot.
... An empty truck loaded with bricks ran over our dead cat and killed it.
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 13:29:04 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Masters Degree
I'm a graduate of Sam Houston Institute of Technology. You ought to see me wearing my monogrammed school sweater. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 20:32:05 CET From: Piotrek <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL> Subject: Jokes offensive to African-American
(Taken from IFC.TXT)
Nigger stories
Q - What do you call a black boy with a bike? A - Thief.
Q - What do you call a white man surrounded by five blacks? A - Coach.
Q - What do you call a white man surrounded by ten blacks? A - Quarterback.
Q - What do you call a white man surrounded by three houndred blacks? A - Warden.
Two little black girls were walking down a back street in southern Alabama when they came across an old black woman sitting on her front porch eating a watermelon, her feet propped on the railing. "That woman ain't got no underwear on'" pointed out one of the girls to her friend. "Does that keep it any cooler?" she shouted up to the porch. "I don't know, chile," answered the old woman, "but it sure keeps the flies offa my watermelon."
Q - What does the Klu Klux Klan call ten white guys beating on a black man? A - A fair fight.
A farmer in the Deep South was out looking over his tobacco fields when a bus full of blacks rounded a corner on the country road too fast and rolled over on its side. Losing no time, the farmer ran back to the barn for his pick and shovel, and proceeded to start burying the bus. Just as he was finishing up the job, a state police cruiser arrived at the scene. "Say, didn't a bus fulla black folks just go off the road around here?" "Yep," replied the farmer. "Well, where'd they get to?" "I buried 'em" was the answer. "Gee," said the trooper, "were they all dead?" The farmer looked straight at the trooper and said, "Well, some of 'em said they weren't, but you know how them niggers lie."
Q - Why do black people call white people "honkies"? A - That's the last noise they hear before the white people run them over.
Q - How was break-dancing invented? A - By black kids stealing hubcaps from moving cars.
Q - What does the neon sign above Honest Joe's 24-hour Abortion Clinic say? A - YOU RAPE 'EM. WE SCRAPE 'EM.
Souther politician: "I have nothing against blacks; I think everyone should own one."
Q - Why don't white men get black kids? A - They let the light in during the act.
Q - What do you call 100,000 black men buried up to their necks in the dirt? A - Afro turf.
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 16:27:35 -0400 From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM> Subject: Business Ethics
The old businessman lay dying and begged his son to follow in his footsteps. "Remember, I owe my success to two principles, honesty and wisdom."
The son asked him how he defined these two principles.
The father said, "Honesty means if you promise a man to deliver his merchandise, you must deliver it come help or high water. Even if it means losing money and bankrupting yourself
The son said he understood, and then asked what is the meaning of his use of wisdom.
The father answered, "Jerk, who told you to promise?"
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 14:34:00 PDT From: sidney moskowitz <sidney@CTS.COM> Subject: A biology experiment
A biology student at some prestigious university (probably Cornell) chose to write a thesis on fleas. He got a flea and put it on his lab table and commanded "Jump flea!!". And the flea jumped. He then tore off one of the flea's legs and again commanded "Jump flea!"And the flea jumped. He proceeded to tear off another leg and when he repeated the command, the flea jumped again. However when he removed a third leg, the poor flea just laid there when commanded to jump. The student then made entries into his lab book stating: "The flea is a remarkable insect. You can remove up to two of its legs and when commanded to jump , it jumps. However if you remove a third leg, it becomes deaf".
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 22:39:36 -0400 From: Ken Larson <KLarson628@AOL.COM> Subject: Political humor
Question: What do you have when you bring together Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Dolly Parton? Answer: Two boobs and a country western singer.
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jul 1995 to 17 Jul 1995 ************************************************