Topics of the day:
1. College team joke <customizably offensive to most anyone of your choice> 2. A disease (sexual contents) 3. Heavenly tea! <long, blasphemous, very off. to Muslims> 4. Your Momma! Pt2<offensive to mommas> 5. More good old boy humor <crude, tasteless> 6. Victim's revenge (offensive to potential rapists) 7. Humor : May be offensive to Catholics : Nuns are fun! 8. The perfect cruise <sexual content> 9. Farmer & pigs joke 10. Working Words Quiz 11. Carter better than Clinton-Part 2 of 2<Off. to liberals> 12. Russian computer game humor <offensive to privates!> 13. Hew-mah (Boston Style) 14. Off the deep end? <adult themes>
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 23:46:43 -0600 From: preston michael <preston@SPOT.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: Re: College team joke <customizably offensive to most anyone of your choice>
The star halfback [at Notre Dame] had failed chemistry. After much pleading, the coach convinced his instructor that he should be given another chance. For this two-question exam, the halfback needed to answer just one question correctly. The first question, said the instructor, is "What is H2O?" After some fretting, the football player guesed, "Sulfuric acid?" "No, that's not correct," said the instructor. "Here's your other question: 'What is the chemical formula for water?'" "I don't know," said the halfback. The instructor paused briefly and then said, "That's correct. You pass."
Other football/athlete jokes?
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 09:52:04 METDST From: Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ> Subject: A disease (sexual contents)
A lady visits her doctor complaining about nervousness, headaches, vertigo, and this and that. "Madame, I will be open. You need an ample sexual life. Can you husband satisfy you?" "Well, he tries his best but ..." "In that case - I know it is immoral but the only possibility is a lover." "I have a lover besides my husband." "So have two lovers." "I do." "Try three." "I did." "So four." "I have them." "Five, in this case." "I have even five." "And six?" "I have six." "Do you mean you have a husband plus six lovers and you are not satisfied?" "Yes, that's right. Sigh." "This is out of normal then. I will prescribe something to you." The lady takes the prescription and runs to her husband: "Read here! No bitch, only a poor sick woman!"
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 06:26:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM> Subject: Heavenly tea! <long, blasphemous, very off. to Muslims>
In India tea is referred to as 'chai'. Also there are legions of Hindu Gods. (A fuller explanation appears below).
Once there was a devout Muslim in India. One day he suddenly died and went to heaven. There he was let in no-questions-asked due to his single minded devotion to Allah. He was welcomed by the Hindu God Ganesha. So he asked Ganesha, "Could you guide me to my beloved Prophet Mohammed"? Ganesha asked to sit down next to him, chatted about the pleasant weather and conversationally asked him in Hindi, "Chai piyoge"? ("Would you like to have some 'chai'"?) The devout Muslim was puzzled, but said no politely and walked on. Farther on down the road (rather, the garden path) he encountered Shiva (the God of destruction). Shiva was all smiles (a rarity for Him), hailed him and asked him to stop for some general talk. The devout Muslim stopped (out of sheer politeness) and Shiva engaged him in some banter about the cultural backwardness of tribal folk, before the devout Muslim could get a word in. Finally the devout Muslim interrupted him and said, "I am looking for the Prophet Mohammed. Do you know where I can find him"? Shiva continued talking and finally asked him, "Chai piyoge"? ("Would you like some 'chai'"?) The devout Muslim was upset and said, "No". He resumed his search. A few yards down the path, he encountered Krishna (the incarnation of Vishnu, the Hindu God of Preservation) who was with his consort Radha (the incarnation of Lakshmi, the Hindu Goddess of Wealth). They were engaged in amorous activities when they noticed the devout Muslim approaching. They stopped and asked him whether he needed anything. The devout Muslim, suddenly hopeful, asked them "I have been looking for the Prophet Mohammed ever since I entered heaven. Could you _please_ guide me to Him"? Krishna and Radha looked at each other and asked the devout Muslim whether he would join them for some 'chai'. The devout Muslim was very upset. He was almost in tears. He said no and continued onward. He met all manners of Hindu Gods and without fail everyone was polite and asked him whether he would like some 'chai'! Finally he saw Hanuman (the Monkey God) and beseeched him, "Please, please take me to my Prophet Mohammed"! Hanuman immediately asked him, "Chai piyoge"? The devout Muslim, tired by now, said "OK". Immediately Hanuman said, "Mohammed ... O Mohammed ... do chai laana"! ("Mohammed ... O Mohammed ... two 'chais' here"!)
(Joke ends - explanation begins)
In India, tea is referred to as 'chai' (as I believe it is referred in China too)! There are legions of these poor chai-wallahs (or tea-people) that roam the streets, with a container full of tea (served as we like it in India - with lots of milk and sugar) and a few fairly dirty glasses. The tea, usually served along with a glass of water, is watery, unbelievably tasty and refreshing (maybe the glasses have something to do with it). The tea is drunk hot and provides warmth in winter & (paradoxically) cools one down in summer!
P.S. I heard this joke about the time that Babri Masjid (mosque) was being demolished in India and the right-wing BJP was (unfortunately still is) on ascendant. This joke was supposedly created by these Hindu Nationalists. Please note that the humor can easily be transposed to other religions. This is just the way I heard it - and does not depict my feelings. (Phew ... what a long disclaimer)!
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 11:34:46 EST From: Michael Langdon <Michael_Langdon_at_NYERPOB@WFCSMTP.IE3.LEHMAN.COM> Subject: Your Momma! Pt2<offensive to mommas>
Back by popular demand: More Momma Jokes!
Your momma is so dumb, someone said it was chilly out, she brought a bowl!
Your momma is so fat, to have sex with her you have to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot!
Your momma's apartment is so small, I put the key in the hole and stabbed 5 people in the hallway!
your momma is so short, she poses for trophies!
Your momma is so fat, to have sex with her you have to smack her thigh and ride the wave in.
Your momma is so dumb ,she was driving to the park and saw a sign that said bear left, so she went home.
Your momma is so fat, she cant wear a Malcolm X jacket because every time she bends over helicopters try to land on her back!
Your momma's apartment is so small, the front door and the back door are on the same hinge!
Your momma's neck is so thick ,she has to step into her shirts!
Your momma is so stupid, she heard she was going to the superbowl so she brought a spoon!
Let me know what you think!
P.s. These do not come from any list!
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 12:10:13 -0500 From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU> Subject: More good old boy humor <crude, tasteless>
It was nice to see my Silver-Tongued Orator joke from last week re-posted here by an individual who found it on another list. I'm flattered. Here's another ancient story about the same two good old boys:
Two gentlemen with necks of red were down in Louisiana chewing the fat over experiences they'd had while hunting out in the woods. The topic turned to mishaps, accidents, and pain. One allowed as how he'd had a terrible thing happen to him once while out possum hunting: "Yas - I was squattin' down to take a shit in the weeds, and a bear trap closed down on my balls. That was the second-worse pain I ever felt!" "The second-worse?" his friend said. "What was the first worse?" "When I ran out of chain."
*************************************************************************** Jim Thorson A nose by any other name could smell a Swede. ****************************************************************************
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 10:47:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> Subject: Victim's revenge (offensive to potential rapists)
From Mike Royko, The Dallas Morning News Saturday, May 1, 1993 WOULD-BE RAPE VICTIM TAKES CHARGE OF SITUATION
We have had the year of the woman and it still is going on, with females being elected to high office and named to Cabinet posts, and the power of Hillary Rodham Clinton. But what about Curtesine Lloyd? You never heard of her? Well, she is my choice as one of the most amazing and heroic women of recent years. Ms. Lloyd is a middle-aged nurse who lives with an elderly aunt in the the rural hamlet of Edwards, Miss., near Jackson. This is her story, most of it taken from a court transcript. One night, Ms. Lloyd was awakened by a sound. She thought it was her aunt going to the bathroom. Suddenly, a man stepped into her bedroom. Terrified, she sat up. He shoved her back down and said, "You better not turn on a light. You holler, you're dead. You better not breathe loud." He declared his intentions, which were to rob her and commit sexual assault. Of course, he phrased it far more luridly. Then he took off most of his clothing and jumped into bed. Here is what happened next, according to court records: Ms. Lloyd: "I got it by my right hand. And when I grabbed it, I gave it a yank. And when I yanked it, I twisted all at the same time." (Need I explain what Ms. Lloyd meant by "it"? I think not.) "He hit me with his right hand a hard blow beside the head, and when he hit me, I grabbed hold to his scrotum with my left hand and I was twisting it the opposite way. He started to yell, and we fell to the floor, and he hit me a couple of more licks, but they were light licks. He was weakening some then." With Ms. Lloyd still hanging on with both hands, squeezing and twisting, they somehow struggled into the hallway. "He was trying to get out, and I'm hanging onto him, and he was throwing me from one side of the hall wall to the other. I was afraid if I let him go, he was going to kill me." "So I was determined I was not going to let loose. So we were going down the hallway, falling form one side to the other, and we got into the living room and both fell. He brought me down right in front of the couch, and he leaned back against the couch, pleading with me." "He says, 'You've got me, you've got me, please, you've got me.' I said, 'I know I got you.' He said, 'Please, please, you're killing me, you're killing me...I can't do nothing. Call the police, call the police." "I said, 'Do you think I'm stupid enough to turn you loose and call the police?' He said, 'Well, what am I gonna do?' I said, 'You're gonna get out of my house.' He said, 'How can I get out of your house if you won't let me go? How can I get out? I can't get out?'" "I said, 'Break out, you broke in didn't you?' And I was still holding him." "He said, 'Oh , you've got me suffering.' I said, "Have you thought about how you were going to have me suffering?' He said, 'Well I can't do nothing now.' 'I said, 'Well that's fine.'" Ms. Lloyd, still twisting and squeezing, dragged the lout to the front door, which had two locks and told him to unbolt them. It was a difficult process because he kept collapsing to the floor and she kept hauling him back to his feet. When he finally unlocked the doors, he screamed; "I'm out, I'm out." Ms. Lloyd, now confident, ran into her aunt's room, got a pistol from underneath the night stand, ran back to the screen door and fired two shots. Then she dialed 911. The police came and examined the man's clothing. Inside the trousers was written the name Dwight Coverson. They found Mr. Coverson, 29, at home, in considerable pain and wondering if he ever could be a daddy. A one day trial was held. As Mr. Coverson's court-appointed lawyer put it: "The jury was out 10 minutes. Long enough for two of them to go to the bathroom." And the judge gave him 25 years in prison. The defense lawyer also said Ms. Lloyd was recently on a local Mississippi TV news show and mentioned that she had been contacted about a possible movie of her story. That is a film I would pay to see. As for Mr. Coverson, if this column should find its way to his prison, I hope the guys in his cell block don't giggle too much. (Thanks to JOKEMASTER and Paladin) Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 19:43:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA> Subject: Humor : May be offensive to Catholics : Nuns are fun!
With complements to my friend Anirban Sengupta who is not a 'contributor' and asked me to send this one in (plus a few others to follow over the next few days).
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
Nico
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 02:25:09 ~ From: Donald E Chesnel <dec_c967@NS01.PORTS.NAVY.MIL> Subject: The perfect cruise <sexual content>
A man and his wife are going on a cruise for a week. As they are boarding the ship, the woman remembers that she doesn't have her hearing aid. She is really deaf, but realizes it is too late to do anything about it. The couple proceeds to their stateroom. They have bunk beds in their quarters. The husband looks at his wife and motions towards the beds. He says,"Up or down?". She proceeds to completely disrobe and they have a wild lovemaking session. This routine goes on for a week - every time the husband asks his wife which bunk bed she wants, she strips and they have the best sex of their lives! Finally, the cruise is over and the happy couple is leaving the ship. The husband pulls his wife aside and says, "Honey, what a great cruise." "You were so hot; what was going on?". She says,"What did you expect me to do, you kept telling me to f__k or drown!".
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 18:23:29 +0000 From: Vito T Dressel <vdressel@ATTMAIL.COM> Subject: Farmer & pigs joke
Offensive to pigs, farmers
There was a hapless farmer whose crops failed for the third year in a row and he was down to his last 300 dollars. A friend suggested he go to a livestock auction and invest his savings on live stock. At the auction, the only thing he could afford were three pigs that were the last thing on the block. When he got them home, he called his friend and asked how he would know when they were pregnant? His friend said when they roll in the grass instead of the mud.
He later discovered, to his dismay, that all three pigs were female. He called his friend again who told him that since he couldn't afford stud fees, his only hope was to try and impregnate the pigs himself. He battled with this thought all night. He finally decided it was the only thing to do to save his family from the embarrassment of bankruptcy. He got up the next morning and loaded the pigs in his truck, took them out on a deserted road, and serviced each one.
The next morning, he asked his wife to look outside and tell him if the pigs were rolling in the mud or the grass. She told him, "Neither. Two are in the back of the truck and the other one is honking the horn!!!
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 13:59:31 EST From: Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU> Subject: Working Words Quiz
From an "Editor's Workshop" brochure; reprinted without permission. <I'll post answers later, or write to me.>
It's in! The 1992 list of doublespeak items from the National Council of Teachers of English Committee on Public Doublespeak. Each year this group labors to uncover and categorize noteworthy examples of prolixity and euphemism. And gosh! Some of the phrases are just downright misleading. Can you see through the verbal fog and match the left column with the right?
1 __ Mental activity at the margins a wastepaper basket 2 __ Synthetic glass b acid rain 3 __ Unique retail biosphere c haunted 4 __ Intimacy salon d college tuition increase 5 __ Release of resources e kick failing students 6 __ High-velocity, multipurpose air circulator out of school 7 __ Appropriate population policies f TV commercials 8 __ Immediate permanent incapacitation g plastic 9 __ User-friendly, space-effective, flexible h standing still deskside sortation unit i welfare recipients 10 __ Involuntary permanent downsizing j insanity 11 __ Wet deposition k farmer's market 12 __ Psychologically impacted l lay off employees 13 __ Fee for quality m bribe 14 __ Expedite progress toward alternative life n censorship pursuits o sex shop 15 __ Self-sufficiency participants p electric fan 16 __ Reality augmentation q lying 17 __ Normal gratitude r death 18 __ Severe adjustment process s recession 19 __ Exceed the odor threshold t spent nuclear fuel dump 20 __ Spatial anchoring u stink 21 __ Weeding books v birth control 22 __ Value minutes
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 15:14:06 -0400 From: Lindsay Hancock <Froggies0O@AOL.COM> Subject: Carter better than Clinton-Part 2 of 2<Off. to liberals>
100 Reasons Why Jimmy Carter Was a Better President Than Bill Clinton by P.J. O'Rourke The American Spectator September 1993
*Carter was a good man to have on board when your canoe was attacked by a swimming rabbit. *Carter hardly ever hugged or kissed anyone in public except Leonid Brezhnev.
*The FBI didn't kill anybody at Jonestown. *Bert Lance could make a bigger splash doing a cannonball into the Camp David pool than Webb Hubbell. *Hamilton Jordan could beat Mack McLarty at arm wrestling. *Plus Jordan could get into Studio 54. *Joseph Califano was prettier than Donna Shalala. *And he opposed abortion (though maybe he hadn't met Donna yet). *Warren Christopher was young and full of pep during the Carter administration. *And Warren Christopher's initials look funnier on a brief case than Cyrus Vance's did. *Zbigniew Brzezinski is worth more points in a Scrabble game than Anthony Lake. *Jimmy Carter didn't play any Fleetwood Mac songs on the campaign trail, *Or any Judy Collins records at home, *Or any saxophones anywhere. The Undead Carter AdministrationClinton Administration Miss LillianVAT *No one can say a word against a Carter Supreme Court appointee. *Carter did not use Bloomsbury, Mayfair, Pall Mall, Hackney, Notting Hill, Shoreditch, or any other London neighborhood as the name of his child. *One thing about Carter-era inflation, the money may have been worthless but at least we had some. Endangered Species Carter AdministrationClinton Administration The Snail DarterThe DLC *Jimmy Carter's nervous smirk was less demanding of a punch in the snoot, even if it did present a larger target. *Navy football team can whip Oxford's. *Carter did not, as part of focusing on his agenda, address himself as "Stupid." He let us do that for him. *Carter wore real blue jeans and not the Levi's 550 roomy-in-the-buns kind. *Carter's poll ratings were higher (in Iraq). *Carter walked the whole inaugural parade route. *Carter saved America from a plague of Misha the Bear Olympic mascot toys. *Has Bill Clinton helped the Shah of Iran get medical treatment? *Carter spent his time doing things like figuring out the White House tennis court playing schedule
Copyright c 1995 Phillip Winn
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 13:02:32 PDT From: "Jay Sandhu [ESRI-Redlands]" <jsandhu@ESRI.COM> Subject: Russian computer game humor <offensive to privates!>
A line of Russian soldiers stands in front of a huge rectangular hole in the ground. Sergant commands:- "Private Ivanov!" - "Yes, sir." - "Stand like this:"
O _|______ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | -"Jump!!"
The soldier jumps into the hole. The sergant commands again: - "Private Pyetrov!!" - "Yes, sir!" - "Stand like this:"
| | O \ -|-| | | | | \-\ | | | | | | -" Yes, sir!" -" Jump!"
The soldier jumps and falls into the hole. The sergant commands again: -" Private Sidorov!!" -" Yes, sir!" _" Stand like this:"
O |-|-| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | -" Yes, sir!" At this point a car with a colonel arrives to that place. Colonel, very angry, comes up to the sergant and tells him: "Comrad sergant, how many times do I have to tell you: STOP PLAYING TETRIS WITH THE SOLDIERS!!!!!!!!!"
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 19:50:50 -0700 From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM> Subject: Hew-mah (Boston Style)
> Someone sent me a cuckoo clock. I heard it ticking, thought it was a bomb and stuck it in a pail of water. I now have the only clock where the cuckoo comes out every hour and gargles. > A sailor was dating his new girlfriend. Suddenly the car sputtered and stopped. The girl reached into her handbag and took out a silver flask. "Great!" said the sailor, "What kind is it?" Smiling, she replied, "Gasoline." > "Down with Liquor" was her father's motto . . . and he could down more liquor than anybody. > A man was riding with his wife who had just learned to drive and now they were zipping along at 85 miles per hour. "Doesn't cruising through the beautiful countryside, feeling the breeze, make you glad you're alive?" she asked. "Glad?" He raised an eyebrow. "Glad isn't the word for it. I'm amazed."
A very rich, old, and dying Bostonian called his attorney to him for the purpose of finalizing his will. "How many children have you?" the lawyer asked. "That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be deciced by the courts when the will is contested." > Man flattering woman: "How could you possibly have a son that age?" Woman: "I didn't. When I had him, he was just a baby." > Manana (mahn-yahna) means tomorrow. Pajama means tonight. > My sister, who is twenty-eight, is married to a stock-broker who is eighty-nine. He's very rich. It's what you call a football romance. She's waiting for him to kick off. > The social event of the year was breaking up. "How do I get to Logan Airport from here?" asked a guest. "Do you have a car?" queried the host. "No." "Then you'll have to walk." > An old woman and a young boy were sitting in a dentist's waiting room. As they waited, the old woman kept staring at the freckle-faced boy who was about ten years old. Finally, she said to him, I bet you're Pat O'Brien's boy. "No, maam," answered the child. "What is your name, then? "It's Tony Giardo, maam." Well, I taught school right here in this neighborhood for many years, through several generations of children, and I've never yet been wrong about a face. I would have sworn on the Bible that you're Pat O'Brien's boy. Are you sure you're not an O'Brien, perhaps even a cousin? "No, I'm not, maam, but we used to live next door to some O'Briens.
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 23:26:23 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Off the deep end? <adult themes>
Most of the hospital staff thought one of their nurses had a lake cottage because she was always talking about going down on the doc. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Jul 1995 to 19 Jul 1995 ************************************************